Matt Hickey

SPOILER ALERT!!!

If you don't know who won the presidential election yet, if you don't want to ruin the suspense, stop reading. We're lotsa drunk and we're so totally going to tell you who won the presidential election first, totally out of order chronologically. So end of the night first, start of the day second. If you want to read about things in order, how they actually went down, read this.

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Okay.

Obama—that one, the black dude, the commie Marxist secret Islamic fundamentalist who, like all Islamic fundamentalists, totally wants to let gay people get married (except he doesn't!)—totally won! I know, suspenseful, right? And as of like 11:00 on election night, Sound Transit was looking pretty good too! They had a lot more votes in a couple of kee countes than they needed, and unless those people down south in pierce county are really really against it, it looks like it's gonna win!

OK ANOTHER spoiler alert!! We're totally wasted. AND OMG PEOPLE ARE TOTALLY LOSING THEIR SHIT IN DOWNTOWN SEATTLE! Seriously – we can't even UNDERSTAND what they're saying – it's too fucking insane out there! Outside of the Showbox, people are dancing on top of cars and buses aren't moving and cab drivers are getting out of their cabs and putting their heads on the ground and crying.

But were getting ahead of ourselfs. After leaving Drinking Librally and the Comet (a bar for degenerates on Capitol Hill) the SECB started the night at Moe Bar, conveintly located just two blocks from the Stranger offices, where people were already losing hteir minds at the mere PROJECTION that Obama would win. How insane is that???

Meanwhile at Neighbours, a gay dance club on Capital Hill, there were no memorabilia or food or people or much of anything at all at the gay party, the "Out for Obama" event. Everyone appeared to be Out somewhere else. Besides the SECB, only two guys were in the room, camped out in armchairs on the dance floor running a commentary like Statler and Waldorf.

"There's a lot of LGBT support for Barack Obama," said Statler over the booming voice of Tom Brokaw. "They just aren't here yet."

They weren't at the Vera Project, either—sorry, kids!—though erverybody was feeling pretdy fucking good. As was everyone on Capitol Hill (sorry if we ruined the suspense for you, folks!) where the War Room, Havana, and Neumo's were losing their minds over the prospect of a President Obama starting as early as 3 pm.

Which, frankly, had us in an awesome mood. Expecially when you consider what we felt like 4 yrs ago, when Kerry was our candidate and Bush was winning and we basically drank ourselfs into an alcoholic stupor from which we've yet to recover. Do you remember where you were on election night 2004? Maybe you were 14 years old; maybe you were an idealistic twentysomething thinking that the Bush era would be cut short. Well, we were wrong then—in fact, we at the SECB were so wrong we were reduced to sobbing at Chop Suey on election night—but now those fuckers are getting their comeuppance.

Because we WON!! Fuckers! YEAAAHHHHH!!!! Even the Bellevue Democratic party is going nuts. Unlike the Bellevue Republican party at the downtown Bellevue Hyatt, which—BURN!!!—has drawn only about 100 people. Dino Rossi? Two time LOSER. Dave Reichert? Going down—at least at press time. (You never know with our stupid , idiotic, slow-as-shit ballot counting clusterfuck.)

The silence in Bellevue is more than eclipsed by the eruptions downtown and on Cpaitl Hill, where---oh my fucking God—people are fucking RIOTING IN THE STREETS!! Hey, is that a marching band? IT IS! It's hard to describe how emotional the scene is here in downotn Seattle—pretyt much everyone in the room is crying, and everyone's pumpng their fists in the air and yelling "Yes We Can." It's literally insane.

OK, but what if you carae about the local shit? YOU'RE IN LUCK!! Every state and local measure and candidate that Stranger readers might be interested in was PASSING at press time, including Christine Gregoire (THANK CHRIST!), Sound transit (winning handily in King ands Snohomish Counties--yay!!!), the parks levy (winning by like 57 percent—hoorAY!!) and the Pike Place market Levy (killing—WHOOOOOO!) Other Stranger-endorsed candidates who were toing well: Randy Dorn for scool Borard (narrowly beating Teresa Bergeson, 51 to 49), US Congressional challenger Darcy Burner (beating Dave Reichert 56 to 43 at press time), and the "death with digniaty" initiative, I-1000 (winning by more than 70 percent). Meanwhile>, Repubnlican land commissioner Doug Sutherland and Republican Atrtoney and General Robin McKenna were winning.

But don't let that get you down because YES WE DID!!! At the Westin in downtown Seattle, hundreds of clean-cut, well-groomed young Democrats are milling about drinking "Victorinis" (some sort of foul blue concoction even the SECB was wise enough to stay away from) served from a massive bar made INTIRELY OF ICE. (it reads "HOPE" and includes a donkey sculpture—you kind of had to be there.) Thers' also an AWESOME Alaska-themed partyh in an upstairs suite, with a shooting range, a bathtub full of Alaskan Amber, a fireplace with lotsa moose heads, and a tub of "Alaska Icwed Tea"!

As the Dems at the Westin are celebratin, the crowd at the Shoebox is going nuts, chanting "Na-na-na! Na-na-na! Hey-hey! Goodbye!" as McCain delivers his concession speech. Don't let the door hit ya! recommended