Acquited Rabid Child Images

On January 11, 2009, two members of the Seattle "hipster hop" crew Mad Rad were arrested, jailed, and charged with assault following a physical altercation with security staff at Capitol Hill nightclub Neumos. Last week, Nathan "Buffalo Madonna" Quiroga and Ty "DJ Darwin" Finnan stood trial for these charges and were found not guilty. Here, for your edification, is a comprehensive list of other crimes for which the members of Mad Rad have been exonerated:

Theft of the Mona Lisa, 1911

On August 21, 1911, Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa was lifted from the Louvre in Paris, France. Mad Rad, who had recently called, in song, for the Louvre to be "burned the fuck down," were brought in for questioning; under interrogation, Mad Rad MC Terry Radjaw attempted to implicate his associate Pablo Picasso in the crime. However, the real thief, Vincenzo Perugia, was found two years later, and the painting was recovered.

Kidnapping of the Lindbergh Baby, 1932

On March 1, 1932, the child of pilot Charles Lindbergh was abducted from the Lindberghs' home in East Amwell, New Jersey. Though no fingerprints were found, the error-ridden spelling and crude design of the ransom note (which ended, "pay me/bitchez, i have come here for my Mony") led authorities to suspect the members of Mad Rad. After a two-year investigation, however, one Bruno Richard Hauptmann was charged, convicted, and executed for the crime.

The Murder of Sharon Tate, 1969

On August 8, 1969, actress Sharon Tate, wife of director Roman Polanski, was brutally murdered, along with four others, at her Los Angeles home. Police eventually traced the murders to Charles Manson's "Family" cult. While members of Mad Rad were known to be living among the Manson Family, none were found to have been actively involved in the murders. During the trial, Mad Rad fans appeared in the courtroom with their heads shaved in a show of solidarity.

The Watergate Break-In, 1972

On June 7, 1972, five men were arrested for breaking and entering into the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the Watergate office complex in Washington, D.C. The crime was eventually linked all the way up the Republican chain of command to President Richard Nixon, and the scandal ultimately led to his resignation. Though the members of Mad Rad were highly active in the Republican Party in Washington, D.C., at the time, they could not be definitively connected to the crime.

The O. J. Simpson Murders, 1994

On June 12, 1994, O. J. Simpson's ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman were found stabbed to death outside Brown's Brentwood, Los Angeles home. After being acquitted of the crime following a long and highly publicized trial, O. J. Simpson launched a tireless campaign to track down the "real killers" and bring them to justice. An anonymous tip led Simpson to members of Mad Rad, but extensive DNA testing and glove-fittings determined them to have been incapable of committing the crime.

The 9/11 Attacks, 2001

On September 11, 2001, the United States suffered the worst terrorist attack on domestic soil in its history. Initially suspected of being the so-called "20th hijacker" in the 9/11 plot, hours of enhanced interrogations at Guantánamo determined that Mad Rad were in fact not an Al Qaeda terrorist cell and were in no way connected to the attack.

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The Death of Hiphop, 1980s–Present

Though repeatedly charged with murdering hiphop, no body has ever been recovered, and in fact much evidence suggests that hiphop is alive and well. As such, friends and relatives of hiphop have had to resort to filing only civil suits against Mad Rad for alleged damages. recommended

Mad Rad perform Wed July 8, Funhouse, 9 pm, $6, 21+. With Thee Satisfaction, Tiffany Stedinsky, and DJ Darwin.