Hey! What's going on? That's the end of the last Crank movie! Oh, man, Jason Statham is totally dead... wait, what? What the fuck? He just blinked? He fell like 30 stories, bounced off a car, and now he's still fucking alive? That is so awesome! Wait, now these Chinese doctors are operating on him in a whorehouse. They just pulled out his heart! Now he's totally dead. Wait! They just set him up with an artificial heart. And now they're going to cut off his "big Amellican cock!" BAM! Jason Statham is on the run!
Wait, I forget: What's Jason Statham's name in this movie? Oh yeah! Chev Chelios! What a stupid name! That's totally fucking awesome! I'm gonna name my son Chev Chelios Constant. Holy shit, that Chinese hooker lady is racist. "No fucky suck!... You want sticky me?... You save my life, you own me long time." Every woman in this movie is a whore. And everyone who's not Chev Chelios is either a "beaner" or an "oriental" (or, alternately, a "slant-eye.") But oh my fucking god! Chev just clamped a jumper cable to his nipple because he needs electricity to survive!
Jesus fucking Christ! They just cut that clean off! Where did he just stick that shotgun? Wait, are those his testicles? Jesus! That's as close to horse porn as you're ever gonna get in an American action movie. Why is Chev Chelios whistling along with the soundtrack? What the fuck? What the fuck is going on? Every time anybody starts explaining anything, Chev Chelios starts to drop dead. Tits! Tits! Tits! Oh my God, oh my God, I think I just went blind for a second. No, wait—the screen went black. I don't even know what's going on. Gunfight! Never mind. This is clearly the most pure action movie ever. It's like if Michael Bay and John Waters had breakup sex and made a little ADD baby who hated humanity. Awesome! Awesome! Where are my wraparound mirrored sunglasses?