13 Going on 30

dir. Gary Winick

Opens Fri April 23.
In 1987, Jenna Rink is an awkward preteen with a retainer and a desperate desire to be a part of the "Six Chicks," the most popular girls in school. On her 13th birthday, her best friend Matt gives her wishing dust, so like any anxious girl would, she wishes to skip the adolescent bullshit and be 30 years old right now. And just like it would in any stupid movie, the wishing dust actually works (surprise!) and 13-year-old Jenna wakes up the next day as 30-year-old Jenna (played by the annoying, Golden Globe-winning actress Jennifer Garner).

At 30, Jenna is the editor of Poise (a snooty fashion magazine) and the girlfriend of a stupid but hunky hockey star. But even though she's enjoying the short dresses, the amazing Fifth Avenue apartment, and the big boobs, Jenna has no recollection of anything that happened between the ages of 14 and 29.

And that's where the turmoil unfolds. Turns out, during those years Jenna was a slutty, cold-hearted bitch. She ditched best-friend Matt in favor of those shallow Aqua Net-addicted hos, she wrote off her family, she slept with married men--basically, she led a life that consisted of lying, backstabbing, and other typical asshole behavior.

But the new Jenna Rink, the 13-year-old-inside Jenna Rink, isn't gonna stand for that no mo'. She sets out to make things right without turning her back on her ethics or her friends (and somehow a choreographed dance bit to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" is a crucial step in achieving that goal).

So basically, as you could probably gather on your own, this movie is dumb, dull, and lacking any sort of charm. And besides that, the stupid 13 Going on 30 promo package that the movie people sent got stupid "wishing dust" all over my stupid desk. Fucking glitter. MEGAN SELING

Spike and Mike's Sick & Twisted Festival of Animation 2004

Plays Fri-Thurs April 23-29 at the Varsity.
A good decade and a half after I discovered both pot and the adult cartoons that (at the time) seemed to go so well with it, it's both comforting and depressing to know that Spike and Mike are still at it, that stoners young and old still have a place to watch their R-rated cartoons, however bad they may be. Because that's the thing: For every cool animated short in the Spike and Mike's Sick & Twisted animation fests, there seems to be 10 bad ones, and nothing's worse than sitting through, say, a dull story about dolls who set bums on fire and drink Drano, just after you've sat through, say, a Bill Plimpton short (yup, he's still a staple it seems) about people kissing so hard their faces join together. Now maybe that's not the exact order of things this time, but it's still the gist of these self-proclaimed dirty pictures. It's also the reason I stopped going. Maybe I'm a little too gore-jaded, but watching cartoon characters rip off hangnails or step on dead mice with open sores is more gross than truly twisted, and seeing a dominatrix Addams Family spinoff feels more dated than the festival itself. That's not to say this whole thing's a complete waste of time, as the Peeps sex segment and the squirrels getting in bus crashes and losing their eyeballs were kinda funny. And no matter what I write here, I think the Spike and Mike faithful/newly stoned will see every one of these festivals all the way through. But if you're even a little on the fence about this one, my advice is to wait for something a little edgier--and therefore a whole lot funnier--to come through town. JENNIFER MAERZ

Shaolin Soccer

dir. Stephen Chow

Opens Fri April 23.
When "Golden Leg" Fung blew the championship soccer game for his team by missing the winning goal, the angered Hung hired some big and tough mobsters to break the loser's leg. So they did, and by doing so they ruined his soccer career. Poor Golden Leg. Instead of being the rich and famous soccer star he was meant to be, he became a lonely, smelly drunk.

Miserable and alone, Fung meets Sing, who is a master at the art of Shaolin (which means he has wicked strength and he can, like, throw his body around all Matrix-style). Anxious to find a way back onto the soccer field, Fung befriends Sing and convinces him to play soccer on a new team that Fung will coach. But you can't have a soccer team with only one player, so Sing sets out to recruit others, namely his crazy, long-lost brothers and the not-so-cute girl he has a crush on. They want nothing to do with the idea, and don't know how to play soccer, but Sing is convinced that with a lot of hard work they can harness their Shaolin strengths and defeat Team Evil (which--gasp!--is coached by Hung, who, if you'll remember, ruined Fung's career)!

So far, I'm probably making Shaolin Soccer sound like a sappy, "anything can happen if you only believe" love-fest, but it's actually quite funny. At least, it is if you're into obvious and cheesy jokes (which I totally am). And a bunch of critics, all more notable than me, agree. So never mind that as soon as the movie was over, the friend whom I dragged to the screening with me said something along the lines of, "Megan, I fucking hate you for making me watch that." Because we're still friends, and she's wrong a lot of the time anyway. MEGAN SELING

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