This staggeringly lazy romantic comedy, written by the team behind Can't Hardly Wait and directed by a man responsible for a number of episodes of Mr. Bean, is about a male slut named Tom (Patrick Dempsey). Tom, the millionaire inventor of the cardboard "coffee collar" (which I seem to recall existing before 1998, but never mind) organizes his love life with a number of promiscuity-enforcing "rules," including "no back-to-backs"—meaning no consecutive nights with the same woman. Not a bad policy, since the women he dates are extremely annoying.

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Not at all annoying, by contrast, is Tom's adorable best friend, Hannah (Michelle Monaghan), an art restorer at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. When not cleaning paintings of penises, Hannah is lovely, witty, and a lot of fun to hang out with. But Tom made a profoundly creepy move on her many years before, during a collegiate Clinton/Lewinsky costume party, and can't face that kind of rejection again. Plus, he likes being a slut. So Hannah tromps off to Scotland for work, comes back with a titled, accomplished fiancé without a speck of personality, and asks Tom to be her maid of honor. Do not make me address the abhorrent pun in the title.

What follows is a slapstick comedy populated by idiotic, unfunny characters like "Short Shorts Guy," a nerd who's always trying to get in on basketball games with Tom's multicultural friends, and a Scottish grandma who talks funny and tries to get Hannah to name her firstborn son Athol. Hannah morphs into a simpering, needy jerk, while Tom—who can't compete with the fiancé in any other way—demonstrates his profound psychic connection to puppy dogs. You know how it ends, but you cannot fathom how many pratfalls it takes to get there.

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