It might as well be time for a revival of biker exploitation films, right? Quentin Tarantino, who executive-produced Hell Ride, obviously thinks so, and the cast of this film seems like just the leathery crew to do it. Larry Bishop (Angels Unchained) wrote the screenplay, headlines the cast, and directs, and he brings Dennis Hopper along for the ride. They're joined by old hands like David Carradine (basically reprising his Kill Bill role, only with 90 percent less charisma) and slightly younger tough guys like Michael Madsen (as a tuxedo-wearing killer named The Gent) and Vinnie Jones.

The problem is that Bishop and Hopper look pathetic—Hopper, especially, resembles rickety old Stan Lee in his Marvel Comics movie cameos. But Bishop, as motorcycle gang leader Pistolero, is clearly supposed to be awe-inspiring. His main squeeze, played by Leonor Varela, humps flat surfaces the minute she sees him: "Let's fuck right here," she begs him, "We've never fucked here before. Let's fuck right now." "I was built for hell," Bishop spits in a sad approximation of a tough guy growl. "I'm your very own personal hellcat," Varela pouts, spreading her gorgeous legs and alluding to her "hellhole."

Which brings us to Bishop's script. As Pistolero fights the villainous 666 motorcycle gang in an incomprehensible plot that involves—oh, God, no—a peyote trip, he and his gang drop wince-inducing puns and rhymes and alliteration with all the self-importance of a drunken poetry slam. It's painful to watch the vanity and brain-dead "artistic" flourishes. Still, Jones, as a cunnilingus-loving monster, and Madsen, doing his best Michael Madsen impersonation, have some memorable moments. One day a Mystery Science Theater 3000–style mockery of this film will tap its genius; until that time, Hell Ride should probably be avoided.