Oh right. This is totally the kind of movie America needs to watch right now. The stock market is crashing. A big bank just went boom. The economy is totally fucked. And perhaps most frightening of all, the polls keep telling us that it’s completely possible that America will, once again, choose two complete morons to run the country.

The only thing I can take any solace in right now, without having an anxiety attack, is that, for the time being, I can do whatever the fuck I want on a day-to-day basis without someone bossing me around. Get an abortion? Sure! Eat cake for breakfast? Okay!

BUT CAN I? Jerry Shaw (Shia LaBeouf) probably thought the same fuckin’ thing about his own life until some sex-kitten-voiced vixen called him up one day and told him to jump from a second-story window, get in a stolen car with some (totally hot) stranger, inject himself with a mysterious substance, run from cops, and generally do a bunch of shit that he really. Did. Not. Want. To. Do.

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Shaw was a broke-ass but charming Kinko’s-lite employee with not a lot of future, but not a lot of responsibility either. It was just the way he liked it. Then, in literally an instant, he’s being suspected of terrorism, chased by Rosario Dawson and Billy Bob Thornton, shot at by FBI agents, and lured down to secret floors under the Pentagon that not even 90 percent of the U.S. government knows about. And for what? Well, I can’t tell you, as that’d ruin the movie.

Eagle Eye is a well-done Hollywood action flick with just the right amount of twists, excitement, and cheese. Any other day, I’d watch it, eat my popcorn, cheer for the good guy, and be done with it. But given my current state of paranoia, I left the theater scared shitless that my cell phone was going to ring and it’d be Dick Cheney trying to “activate” me. recommended