I'm about to blow your mind. Are you ready? Are you? Here we go... Paul Blart: Mall Cop is not a terrible, worthless, piece-of-shit movie. BLAMMO! Now gather up your scattered brain matter, because Paul Blart is not as funny as you might hope, either—at least not in the way it intends to be. (Worth noting: All opinions here were formed in a completely sober, un-pot-addled state.)

Most of Paul Blart's jokes fall back on the misconception that everything fat people do is heart-stoppingly hilarious. Look! A fat guy is trying to run! Look! A fat guy is falling in love with a pretty lady! Look! A fat guy is trying to save a shopping mall from evil, extreme-sport superstars! Look! A fat lady is trying to beat up a fat guy for calling her fat!

Hahahahahahaha!

But it's not that funny. Not when the fat jokes never, ever stop. Paul Blart's most charming moments (of which there are some) come when the jokes move beyond the fatness of Paul Blart (played by Kevin James) and build up the character as being a clueless, Segway-riding, hypoglycemic nerd who takes a little too much pride in his position as a mall cop. Ahem. Mall security officer.

Because when a romantically impaired dork on a Segway attempts to fight a professional skateboarder in the middle of a Rainforest Cafe, all so he can impress a new crush who's been taken hostage? Well, that can be sort of funny! Not because he's fat, but because he's completely untrained and unprepared, yet unwilling to give up. (And because there's an animatronic elephant trumpeting in the background.)

Or, I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you should just smoke a bowl and laugh at the fat lady kicking the fat man.