Sorry, I don't know the polite way to ask this, but does Jim Caviezel have Asperger's or something? He has this distant, flat affect, and he looks at everything like it's, I don't know, a bug with a human face. Or a layer of toilet paper stuck in his hamburger. Like he's kind of grossed out but also just doesn't know what to make of it. He just stares. Paaaaaaaause.

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In Outlander, Caviezel is Kainan, a time- traveling spaceman who fell from space into the land of the Vikings, bringing with him a bloodthirsty space dragon (thanks, asshole!), which he then must teach the Vikings how to slay. It's basically Beowulf meets space—literally, the king is named Rothgar, played by John Hurt with beardy gravitas.

Outlander is an action movie, so it's hard to care about, and all the Viking stuff makes it extra silly. ("We all saw Bjorn's body. He was clawed to death.") But there are hot Vikings, and scary aliens, and all in all it's pretty fun. Except at the end, when Kainan must choose: Should he go back to space or become a permanent Viking with his busty Viking wife? Um, OBVIOUSLY SPACE. DO YOU WANT TO DIE TOOTHLESS FROM DYSENTERY AT AGE 32?! Answer the question, Caviezel. Jesus. Quit staring at me. recommended

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