The Urban Dictionary describes a Sarah-bration as a party that celebrates Sarah. The person behind this entry is none other than Sarah Turner, who on May 29 held a party at Moe Bar to celebrate herself, Sarah, and her achievements—she was graduating from college with a major in philosophy and a minor in medical ethics.

I arrived at around 10:00 p.m. and met Barfly of the Saturday Knights. He was sitting with the producer Mr. Hill at one of the two tables designated for the party. I had a curious conversation with Barfly. It all began when either he or I brought up the ShamWow pitchman's recent arrest for assaulting a hooker. Barfly explained to me that Vince Shlomi (the ShamWow guy) had actually made a movie with Scientology money and somehow the whole business went wrong. He now spends of much his time fighting Scientology in the courts. "But you can't win against Scientology, you know why?" Barfly asked. I told Barfly I did not know why. "There are two groups that run Hollywood. Two. One is AA: Those guys run the city. Go to an AA meeting and you see all these Hollywood execs and actors. That's where they go, AA. The other is Scientology. Those two run the city."

Barfly now divides his time between Long Beach and Seattle; he cannot be faithful to either city. "Where do you keep your stuff, if you're moving all the time?" I asked him. "Basements all over the place," he said and laughed. The party moved outside at around 11:00 p.m., when the Armadillo Barbecue truck showed up. I left the scene as people ate slow-cooked meat on the street.

Want to inform The Stranger about conspiracies involving the Scientology/sober-person axis at your house party? E-mail the date, place, and party details to partycrasher@thestranger.com.