When: Sat Dec 4
Where: N 46th St and Phinney Ave N

The "Sexy Santa Soiree" we were promised in the invite turns out to be more like a cross between "Casual Friday at the Office" and "Awkward Middle School Dance." Upon entering, a couple of odd facts immediately stand out: (1) The group is separated by gender--guys in ties on one side of the room, overdressed women on the other; (2) When the sexes do combine, make-out sessions erupt like facial boils. We walk down to the basement/dance floor, where these lame party rules still apply, women are dancing self-consciously in tight circles, and people mope on the lopsided couches. The DJ has turntables set up, but he chooses to ignore them, instead spinning bar mitzvah classics purely from a CD, leaving long, uncomfortable silences between each song. A cheer goes up as he plays Jackson 5 and some people pick up Santa hats and start dancing to the beat of the disco ball. One guy starts dancing with my friend. When she accidentally almost touches another woman's behind, he takes her hand and attempts to force her to repeat the mistake. Completely sketched out, we make our way back upstairs, where we are confronted by a group of women explaining the residential appeal of Fremont to us Capitol Hill residents. We are not fooled, however, and we watch partygoers stumble down the steps to their SUVs, excited that they might have successfully picked someone up.

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