The theme is "Pomp and Circumstance," and the party is celebrating Lauren's 27th birthday, along with the birthday of her two friends Angela (a fellow law student) and Max (Garfield High class of 2001! Go Bulldogs!!). The open bar is stocked with Charles Shaw, a keg, and a champagne/lemon-juice/gin concoction that the bartender (go Bulldogs!) assures us is "three handles deep." "That's what she said!" Party Crasher's plus one exclaims. The bartender looks at us like we're stupid.

We move on, but "Does this look three handles deep to you?" proves to be a good line to break into the groups of people standing around in closed circles. They all know each other or know each other's cousin's boss. A law student says to us "Whenever I read The Stranger, I think about sitting on my hands then jerking off."

Party Crasher's plus one has embroiled herself in a conversation with a gentleman named Ian about anilingus. "But it's like the Spanish Inquisition! No one expects it!" he says, adding, "But only lick the ass of someone you love—hep C is no joke." Despite the fact that most of these partyers graduated nearly a decade ago, this could be any gathering of high-school acquaintances. But things don't go as late as a high-school party: The crowd is thinning and a group of die-hard Bulldogs is dancing to '80s hits. Another lawyer-to-be explains: "The law students got here at 8:55 and were home by midnight."

Want to spend the evening at your house party extolling the virtues of anilingus to The Stranger? Send the date, place, and party details to partycrasher@thestranger.com.