Here is how you play Iron Bartender: Invite a shitload of friends over to the swingin', 1960s-style bar you've constructed in your garage. (You should first make sure that your friends really, really like to drink.) Have these friends bring weird or disgusting liquors, liqueurs, or mixers. By the time the party starts, the bar should feature, as a sampling: caramel vodka, margarita mix, hot sauce, Clamato, a lavender-flavored liqueur named "Parfait Amour," and Soju, a brand of sake that inspires a sake-knowledgeable man to whisper, solemnly and respectfully, "That is some potent shit."

Appoint three judges—ideally they should have gamma-irradiated livers, like the Incredible Hulk. Each contestant pulls one liquor, one liqueur, and one mixer at random and then has to mix a drink with them—adding other ingredients to cover the taste if necessary—within a specified time limit. The contestants must also name their beverages. The judges will rate each drink on the cleverness of name, difficulty of mixers, and overall taste. An interview round also figures in somehow.* By the time the winner is crowned, everyone should be so drunk that, for example, a drink named Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (gin, Soju, and spicy tomato juice) seems like a really good idea. Make sure to have extra beds set up—some of your guests might be the consistency of a soaking-wet roll of paper towels by the time the trophy is given, but, ohhhh, that taste of victory...

Want The Stranger to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" along with the circa-1917 pedal-powered player piano at your house party? E-mail the date, place, time, and party details to partycrasher@the-stranger.com.

*Judge: "What inspired you to make this drink?"

Contestant: "Um, the ingredients I was given."