It's too cold to be walking up Broadway in mini-shorts and hoodies. We're on our way to the Second International Booze Olympics to watch people compete at flip cup, beer pong, and luge. Actually, the luge has no competitive aspect to it—you just get drunk as people chant your name. Tonya Harding directs us to the keg before whacking Nancy Kerrigan in the knee repeatedly with a long shoehorn. Everyone rejoices in Olympic camaraderie with a Jell-O shot.

Most of our Olympians here tonight are Canadian: hockey players, swimmers, body builders, and... a beaver? He must attend many parties dressed as a beaver, because his costume philosophy is "Why rent when you can own?" I'm glad to see another Norse athlete in the house. "I'm not Norwegian, but they have good skiers," he says. Damn right they do. Norway, represent!

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Back in the kitchen, a Canadian curler is extolling the excellence of Bed Bath & Beyond: "They have everything!" And a drunken Shaun White is heckling people as they refill their cups at the keg. Meanwhile, people are taking turns licking the giant beaver's tail while he does shots at the luge. Someone tells me he was just in a heated debate about who had the better mustache: Tom Selleck or Sam Elliott? It was Sam Elliott, hands down. By now, the keg is bone dry and there's a pull-up contest ensuing in the living room. At the end of the night, everyone's a winner. recommended

Want The Stranger to extol the glory of Bed Bath & Beyond at your house party? Send the date, place, and party details to partycrasher@thestranger.com.

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