Rum is Potent Shit that often inspires Bad Doings in the hearts of men. Case in point: piracy. Pirates raped and pillaged for centuries, and their drink of choice? The Devil Rum. We've just arrived at a pirate-themed party to find the hostess making punch with orange and mango juice, chased by two full bottles of the ol' Yo-Ho-Ho. Partying begins immediately.

The costumes are stunning—some pirates make reference to "Ren Faires," which explains the level of detail and accuracy on display, especially in the Big Fucking Deadly Looking Knives that get brandished immediately. A few women show up carrying plastic Halloween weaponry—"This is a spankin' sword, arrr!"—but most of the girls are dressed as serving wenches. Granted, there's a lot to serve: pigs in blankets and bacon and tiny sandwiches and fruit and a well-stocked bar, with more beer arriving by the minute.

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There's some historical inaccuracy: For example, I'm not sure that pirates danced to "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It," and the Pin the Pasties on the Mermaid game seems very 21st century. My Plus One asks someone where she got her socks—they literally have "SLUT" written all over them—and the response is a long pause, a look skyward, and "I... don't... remember?" which is, of course, the perfect answer. "I'm going into happy pirate mode right now," someone says into his cell, absentmindedly adding "Arr" before snapping the phone shut. People are already insanely drunk and the party's only been going for an hour—from here on out, this frigate is piloted by Captain Morgan.

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