Our host shows off the punch she made—a traditional beverage from St. John—and her vintage punch bowl. Also in the kitchen: a blond and barefoot Queen Elizabeth, a dignitary from Burkina Faso (who was mistakenly confused with Mobutu Sese Seko—how embarrassing), his shadow (also wearing a leopard-print fez), and two anti–Presidents' Day protesters. They carry signs reading "Down with the President" and "Down with Presidents' Day" and have no affiliation with the strikers in Wisconsin.
A few moments later, Abraham Lincoln arrives, minus Mary Todd (she had a theater date). He shows off another punch, this one containing a liqueur made from palm sap called arrack. It definitely pays to have amateur mixologists at your party. He is flanked by a Secret Service agent, one of several Jackie Kennedys, a guy dressed (I think) as Dwight D. Eisenhower, and another Lincoln. The two Lincolns were later overheard discussing where to buy the most authentic and least itchy beard.
While gathering my coat, I'm told, "You can't leave before the speeches." Just then a bell rings, a whistle blows, and the Queen of England takes the podium to read the expletive-heavy "White Panther Statement" by John Sinclair of MC5. Then one of the fez-wearing Africans reads an original Tea Party stump speech. The parody speech fooled a handful of guests who thought he was quoting a state representative from Spokane, but others argued "no real teabagger would call America's forefathers the fucking Pilgrims." The press conference comes to a close, but there is still plenty of punch to satisfy the dignitaries in attendance.
Want The Stranger to deduce that the host is a CIA agent at your party? E-mail the date, place, and party details to firstname.lastname@example.org.