Our host shows off the punch she made—a traditional beverage from St. John—and her vintage punch bowl. Also in the kitchen: a blond and barefoot Queen Elizabeth, a dignitary from Burkina Faso (who was mistakenly confused with Mobutu Sese Seko—how embarrassing), his shadow (also wearing a leopard-print fez), and two anti–Presidents' Day protesters. They carry signs reading "Down with the President" and "Down with Presidents' Day" and have no affiliation with the strikers in Wisconsin.

A few moments later, Abraham Lincoln arrives, minus Mary Todd (she had a theater date). He shows off another punch, this one containing a liqueur made from palm sap called arrack. It definitely pays to have amateur mixologists at your party. He is flanked by a Secret Service agent, one of several Jackie Kennedys, a guy dressed (I think) as Dwight D. Eisenhower, and another Lincoln. The two Lincolns were later overheard discussing where to buy the most authentic and least itchy beard.

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While gathering my coat, I'm told, "You can't leave before the speeches." Just then a bell rings, a whistle blows, and the Queen of England takes the podium to read the expletive-heavy "White Panther Statement" by John Sinclair of MC5. Then one of the fez-wearing Africans reads an original Tea Party stump speech. The parody speech fooled a handful of guests who thought he was quoting a state representative from Spokane, but others argued "no real teabagger would call America's forefathers the fucking Pilgrims." The press conference comes to a close, but there is still plenty of punch to satisfy the dignitaries in attendance. recommended

Want The Stranger to deduce that the host is a CIA agent at your party? E-mail the date, place, and party details to partycrasher@thestranger.com.

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