Even though it's freezing out, pantsless girls in corsets flank a red-lit porch, so I know we're in the right place for tonight's "non-orgy" bacchanalia. Our hosts, Stefanie and Ryan—a dominatrix and the Joker, respectively—give us a tour of the den of sin that used to be their house. They have draped the walls in pink and black cloth, and they assigned a different MPAA rating and set of rules to each floor. In the X-rated basement, you can pretty much do anything except wear heels.

The red light puts everyone in absurd soft-focus. Dressed as Star Wars characters, people are dancing and drinking and tossing around the leftover innards of a condom piñata, along with a Darth Vader helmet. Someone returns the latter to the Dark Lord of the Sith herself, the girl on my left, who explains that she made her light saber out of a red dildo and a flashlight. She found the instructions on the internet.

Support The Stranger

The Star Wars–and-dominatrix brigade is broken up only by Leeloo from The Fifth Element and a shirtless faun waltzing with a baby-sized jug of Carlo Rossi, who saunters over to say that he is not a C. S. Lewis character. "I am not a Christian allegory," he explains. He is Faunus, and his faun-leg pants took 16 hours to make. Now it's time for Twister. "If you're gonna have a bacchanalia, have a fucking bacchanalia," says the faun. recommended

Want The Stranger to keep our stilettos off the floor at your next party? E-mail the date, place, and party details to party crasher@thestranger.com.