We Regret These Errors

We Regret These Errors

Sorrowful Remorse

From the Desk of the Enumclaw Horse

From the Desk of Katie Holmes's Fetus

From the Desk of Former Monorail Director Joel Horn

Dept. of Corrections

I Regret Not Killing Benjamin Colton Barnes Before He Got to That Park Ranger

I Regret Those Girls in Roslyn

I Regret Republicans Giving Me a Bad Name

I Regret That Señor Romney Lost the Election

We Regret These Errors.

We Regret These Erors

From the Desk of Michael Jackson

I Regret Being Consigned to Eternal Damnation with the Guy Who Drew The Family Circus

I Regret Not Taking Out Lance Armstrong

We Regret Mentioning Suicide, Publishing Essays about Suicide, and Placing Visual Depictions of Suicide on Our Cover

I Regret Nothing

From the Desk of J. Edgar Hoover

We Wish to Announce Several Regrets (We Wish to Announce Several Regrets)

What You Think About When You Think About Chile

I Regret What's Happening to This City

That Sculpture Is a Stain on Our Reputation

I Regret Not Being Considered Food and Offer, for Your Enjoyment, This Recipe

A Guide to the Jokes in This Issue for the Staff of Gawker

I Regret Rehab

I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious

I Regret Macklemore's Tweets

I Regret Killing All-Ages Music

We Regret We’re So Dumb

The right foot of U.S. Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) regrets its inability to refuse orders from Mr. Craig's cerebrum—the brain's "motor area"—while in a men's room at the Minneapolis Airport. Senator Craig's right foot would like to clarify that it was not its idea to tap that stranger's foot, signaling Senator Craig's desire to engage in anonymous sexual intercourse in an airport bathroom. Senator Craig's penis, a mangy and degenerate rascal, was responsible for that ill-advised idea.

Senator Craig's right foot would also like to extend its sympathies to other innocent joints, muscles, and appendages that found themselves embroiled in sex scandals this past year. Most notably, the soft palate of Christian megachurch pastor Ted Haggard, the beleaguered kneecaps of Florida state representative Bob Allen, and the long-suffering rectum of Washington state representative Richard Curtis.