Common-Room Thief/West Precinct/March 2/12:30 pm: Officer Torres writes: "While I was on approved vacation between Dec 14 and March 1, unknown suspects took my personal work items (one: an issued Seattle Police metal badge, #601, value $37.50; two: a large full-length Cortex raincoat--blue and orange, with reflective strips on both sleeves, value $75, plus tax on sale). The items were removed from the common TV breakroom area [at West Precinct headquarters]." The TV breakroom area is "only for police officers."

The Guns of Gas Works Park/Gas Works Park/March 3/5:09 pm: This afternoon, Officer Clark and his partner, Officer Maccarrone, were dispatched to Gas Works Park to deal with a report of two men with guns. As they pulled into the driveway of the park, they met a witness. The terrified witness, named Welcome, explained to them that he saw two young men with guns: one had a pistol, the other a big gun. Welcome pointed out the suspects, who were in a covered structure near the park's entrance. They were in a shadowed area, and the cops could make out the outline of an AR-15 Carbine. Officer Clark called for backup; they had a potentially dangerous situation. Soon multiple police cars were en route to the park, and an airborne sniper from King County Guardian One was also on his way. Officer Macaroni (I mean Maccarrone) barred the entrance to park. A showdown was moments away.

Suddenly the two young men (now recognized as teens) walked out of the structure with no guns in their hands, and informed the officers that they were doing a film project for school using toy weapons. Officer Macaroni informed the arriving, heavily armed cops of the new circumstances as Office Clark admonished the boys for their stupidity. "I took their information and took the toy guns, and let them know that the toy guns would be placed into evidence."

Suicide Doors/Central District/Sun March 10/5:30 pm: The writer of this report, Officer Zerr, was so dazzled by the elements of this crime that he failed to construct a rational narrative. Because it makes no sense, I offer you, dear reader, these brilliant fragments that glitter in the muddled report like cut diamonds in a murky pool: "The BMs [black males] were in the fleeing limo"; "The black limo [was a] newer Continental with suicide doors"; "[The] suspect [wore] a wide-rimmed 'zoot suit' hat, dark leather jacket (waist-length)"; "Finally, three shots were fired, followed by three to four more"; "The BM was wearing an outlandish blue/purple suit"; "[His] clothing stands out and Club Rio is a hot spot."