No Hobo/Pioneer Square/Sun May 26/2:30 pm: This afternoon, Officer M. James responded to a report of a man hit by a train. When he arrived at the scene of the accident, he found next to the southbound tracks a man who was suffering from "massive trauma to the lower extremities." A King Street Station employee informed Officer M. James that the injured man had tried to stow away on the bottom of a southbound train the week before, but was caught, escorted from the premises, and warned not to try such a dangerous stunt again. At around 2:10 p.m. the employee spotted this man suspiciously sitting in the train station and tried to keep an eye on him. At 2:20 p.m., the employee was called to other duties and lost sight of him. At 2:25, the southbound train began to pull out of the station. At 2:30 p.m., the employee was informed by an unknown female that a man was lying next to the tracks, moaning and bleeding. The employee knew exactly what had just happened--the imprudent fucker had not heeded his warnings. He rushed outside and administered primary aid on the man who failed to become a true hobo.

The Deadest Thing/University District/Fri June 7/11:30 am: According to this report, authored by none other than Officer D. Jones (one of the best writers in the Seattle Police Department), a woman found a dead bird on her car trunk lid and a dead squirrel on the antenna. The woman has no idea who placed the dead creatures on her car, and it's highly unlikely that she, or Officer D. Jones, will ever solve the crime.

The most shocking thing about this "suspicious circumstance," however, is not the mystery of its perpetrator, but the very idea of a dead squirrel. There is nothing more unsettling than a dead squirrel. When we see a dead opossum we yawn (the damn things move so slow, it's a wonder they are not extinct), but when we see a dead squirrel we are spooked, because no other city creature has the squirrel's agility. They can leap from branch to branch without hesitation, and race up tree trunks displaying the same speed and ease with which larger mammals race down steady slopes. Squirrels mock gravity, whose force seems to have no influence on their daily gymnastics through gardens and parks. This is why a dead squirrel, a squirrel that is not leaping, climbing, scurrying, defying the laws of gravity, is unnatural, a freak of nature. Indeed, a lifeless squirrel has about it the aspect of an omen.

Straight to the Heart/Downtown/Sat June 8/11:30 pm: This report, authored by Officer Tackett, has only one interesting sentence, which will close this week's Police Beat: "A tall woman (suspect) came out of the apartment complex with a wooden stick in her hand and said to the man (victim), 'If you touch my car, I will shove this stick into your heart.'"