Knockin' on Heaven's Door

Lower Queen AnneMon May 17, 4:41 am: Early this morning, a man walked up to the Space Needle and began pulling violently on one of the building's door handles. He was unable to open the door, and some nearby construction workers began taunting him, encouraging him to break the door down. The man continued to yank on the door handle until the tempered-glass door shattered. The man then walked into the Space Needle's lobby and passed out on the floor. When the police arrived, they found the doorknob-impaired man lying on the floor, mumbling something about how the human race was degenerating into a bunch of monkeys. An officer asked whether the man was hurt. The man answered that he was God. Police took God into custody and charged Him with property damage. His arrest was screened by Lt. Charles.

Love Thy Neighbor

U-DistrictMon May 17, 10:05 pm: A woman called the police to rat on her neighbor, who she said often shot at crows perched on telephone poles with a long gun. When Officer Hammermaster called the neighbor, he at first denied shooting at the birds. But the officer managed to charm him into cooperation, and the man eventually turned over his Daisy 25 pump BB gun. The gun was taken into custody and the man swore he wouldn't shoot at crows anymore.

On the River of Ballard

BallardMon May 17, 11:45 pm: Just before midnight, a small motorboat was seen tugging a large object toward a guide wall at the Ballard Locks. Once inside the locks, the vessel extinguished its lights and came to a stop. Two individuals then began busily moving about, climbing up and down the wall of the lock. After a few minutes of this suspicious movement in the dark, the men drove off in the motorboat--without the load--turning their lights on only when they were some distance away. As they approached the Fremont Bridge, their vessel was stopped by police, who (as everyone knows) have a thousand eyes with which to see. The police asked the men if they had been anywhere near the locks that night; the men admitted that they had. The police escorted the two back to the locks, where an abandoned house barge, with scraps of rug and wood on its deck, rested nearby. The two sailors were identified by a witness, and charged with "abandoning a structure."

Spare the Rod: Verse One

U-DistrictTues May 18, 2:08 pm: A man relaxing comfortably in his home was startled to hear an explosion outside. He ran to the window in time to see debris flying through the air and smoke rising from the mailbox across the street. The man then spied a pack of male teens running down the street. It's still unclear whether they were involved in the destruction of property, as police have been unable to locate them. But whoever planted the bomb was kind enough to remove the victim's mail and place it on the ground before lighting the fuse.

Spare the Rod: Verse Two

Downtown/Capitol HillTues May 18, 4:46 pm: Three spirited teens from Federal Way arrived in Seattle, and began randomly slapping the heads of pedestrians they passed while running up Second Ave. Later, the same teenagers (all boys) walked into an adult arcade on Pike to check out pictures of people doing the nasty. The manager noticed that the three were underage, and told them to leave the store at once. As the teens ran out, they hit a surveillance camera, knocking it off its post. Luckily, Sgt. Coomes was able to put an end to their little rampage; he caught all three and called their moms. He then gave them bus fare and personally put them on a bus back to Federal Way.

Man Does Not Live by Bread Alone!

Capitol HillWed May 19, 6:10 pm: A man in the parking lot of the Safeway on 14th & John became mighty suspicious when he saw a man with a mustache walk out of the supermarket with a cart full of groceries that were not bagged. He alerted store employees, who took off after the sloppy shopper. When the man saw two red-and-blue-clad Safeway employees racing toward him, he started to run with his cart. The chase took the thief and his pursuers across a nearby park; when the suspect took a sharp turn into an alley, the rattling cart overturned and spilled its contents onto the street. Feeling that his freedom was more important than the food, the man abandoned the cart and made a successful escape. The food items gathered up and returned to the store included a leg of lamb, two cases of Budweiser beer, Tenpico fruit punch, a white and pink cake, and two Tombstone pizzas.

Phantom Armageddon

West SeattleThurs May 20, 7:45 pm: A 34-year-old West Seattle man called police and informed them that three women were being raped outside his house. As the police raced to the scene, a report came over the radio that gunshots were fired at the same address, and that someone had hanged himself from a tree next door. A fleet of police cars and fire trucks converged on Ninth Ave SW, where it seemed all hell had broken loose. But when police arrived, they found no evidence of any of the reported crimes. Six patrol cars, two fire trucks, and several medical units responded to this phantom Armageddon.

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