Praying spiritually with Kevin Costner

Wed June 9, 12:15 pm: The police could only scratch their heads when a woman told them she was raped while praying spiritually with movie star Kevin Costner and Wendy Treat, a TV pastor. She said she thought the semen came from a white male who was praying nearby. (Even I can't make sense of this one. Was she praying in her living room, or at a church with a TV screen preaching to her from a pulpit?) The woman asked to be taken to Harborview Medical Center to find out whether God "rebuked the semen from entering me." The ever-patient Officer Smith transported her to the hospital.

University District

Wed June 9, 10:10 am: A woman walked into the Starbucks at University Village and began "shaking and sweating." Realizing that this customer needed something stronger than coffee, the employees called the police, who arrived 10 minutes later. The "shaking and sweating" customer told police that she had arrived from California three weeks ago, and was now in the mood to kill herself--unless, of course, they provided her with some "medication." An American Medical Emergency vehicle transported the woman to the University Hospital, where she was "committed."

The lady in red is ramming into me
Lake City Way

Wed June 9, 1:05 pm: A woman was shopping in Fred Meyer on Lake City Way when she was suddenly attacked by a grocery cart. Immediately prior to this incident, she had been involved in a traffic altercation on Lake City Way with an irascible woman who wore a red sweatshirt, red pants, and red shoes. The woman in red then followed her to Fred Meyer, into the store, and through the aisles; finally, she tried to run her road enemy down with a grocery cart. When police contacted the lady in red, she denied trying to ram her cart into anyone. She claimed, furthermore, that she has difficulty walking, and was merely leaning on the cart while trying to lecture some sense into the idiot driver. Officer J.L. Farrar was forced to deal with this incident.

A thief with a sweet tooth
Capitol Hill

Thurs June 10, 10:26 am: A thief with an enormous sweet tooth attempted to satisfy all his needs by stealing a "Magic Gumball" machine from the front of the Candy Express store. Luckily, the store owner saw him wheeling away her $1,000 red and brass gumball machine, and was able to catch up with the thief after a short run. He gave her machine back to her, and she returned it to its usual position just outside the door of her little business.

'I like your panty lines'
First Hill

Wed June 9, 6:22 pm: An unknown male left this obscene message on the voice mail of a young woman who lives on Ninth Ave: "This is Mike. I'm just calling to say hi. I was just wondering what color panties you are wearing right now. I like your panty lines--they are always nice and high. I'm wearing panties now, too; I have them high in the back. I'm going big inside my panties. I'm about to burst." The young woman didn't recognize this voice, and claims not to know anyone by the name of Mike.

'It's just marijuana!'
Pioneer Square

Thurs June 10, 5:04 pm: Two officers patrolling Third Ave and Yesler Way pricked up their ears when they noticed a woman in Prefontaine Park enjoying a small butt of marijuana. When they approached the suspect, she exclaimed, "What?? It's just marijuana!" The officers were not persuaded by her rationalization, however, and placed the butt, which was too small to field test, into evidence. The woman was then released.

The devil's workshop, part I

Sat June 12, 4:30 am: According to this public record, a certain telemarketer has a thing for what is known in vulgar circles as "doggie style." This information came to light when the telemarketer was caught trying to steal two rather expensive porno films, Buttslammer Number 17 and Deep in the Crack Part 2, from a downtown adult video store. The telemarketer did, however, apologize to the police (and, in effect, to the public) for his grave transgression. Hopefully he will stick to his work from now on ¯ for as the saying goes, an idle mind is the devil's workshop.

The devil's workshop, part II
Capitol Hill

Sun June 13, 12:10 pm: Officer Greenly was on patrol when he saw a suspect sitting on the sidewalk, blocking pedestrian traffic. He was with four other suspects. As Greenly approached the group, he noticed an empty knife sheath lying next to the prime suspect. He picked the sheath up and asked where the knife was. The prime suspect said, "It's mine. I was showing it to my friends," and another suspect gave Greenly the knife. It was a long, sharp knife, and Greenly told the prime suspect that it was unlawful to possess such a dangerous weapon. The suspect said that he used it for camping. Officer Greenly determined that the suspect was not camping, and that he obviously did not use it for work "because he is unemployed" (indeed, a regular workshop for the devil!), so he arrested the suspect and took him downtown.

Home is where the self-abuser is

Sun June 13, 9:34 pm: A retired woman (born in 1926) was at home when a young man (born in 1965) came to her door and asked to be let in. He was alone, and she let him in without asking any questions. The man then stood outside the upstairs bathroom and proceeded to masturbate, while she watched from a few feet away. When he completed the act, he left the house without saying a word. The elderly woman stated that the young man made no comments of a sexual nature during the 10 minutes he was in her house, and she wasn't sure if she should have even informed the police about this incident, as he didn't really do anything to her. She stated that she had no complaints.

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