Viagra Now!

West SeattleFri May 14, 10 pm: When a 60-year-old man couldn't produce an erection to have sex with a cheap prostitute (she only charged him $20), he demanded that she refund his money immediately. Feeling she had lived up to her end of the agreement (and besides, she only charged the bastard $20!), the prostitute refused. So, the impotent man phoned the police. When they arrived, he explained the situation. After hearing his side of the story, the police asked the prostitute if what the man had said was true, and she confirmed that it was. Officer Topacio then "I & R'd" (cop lingo for investigated and released) the incident, with no arrests made. The report does not specify whether the prostitute reimbursed the impotent john.

Avid Reader

DowntownFri May 14, 10:49 pm: The night clerk at an adult video store observed a nervous man standing by a rack of magazines with titles like Anal Angels, My Boyfriend's Dad, Ripe, and Slippery Sluts. A moment later, he saw the man stuff some of these magazines into the front of his black leather jacket, and proceed to the cash register to pay $5.60 for a single magazine. After ringing him up, the clerk walked to the door, blocked the man's exit, and demanded the magazines the man had hidden under his jacket. The man did as he was told, surrendering $93 worth of hot porno magazines. The clerk called the cops and told the would-be thief to stick around. The man was in no mood to wait, however, and tried to break out of the store. A struggle ensued. The man took a bite out of the clerk's arm, but the super-human employee was able to pin the man down until the police arrived. The man was allowed to keep the magazine he paid for; the 13 he tried to steal were handed over to Officer Amador, who claims he submitted them into evidence.

A Man for All Seasons

DowntownSat May 15, 2:40 am: A Renton man reported that he saw a man in a brown trench coat standing in front of the display window of the posh Four Seasons hotel with a large block of concrete in his hands. He then saw the trench coat-wearing man throw the block of concrete at the window, but the window resisted the initial blow. The frustrated man picked up the block of concrete and threw it at the window again and again, until finally on the fourth attempt the window gave way, shattering into a thousand pieces. The man in the brown trench coat then calmly reached into the gaping display case, and grabbed an item the observer could not make out. The thief escaped in a black four-wheel-drive vehicle, and was last seen heading southbound on Fifth Ave.

Sticky Fingers

DowntownSat May 15, 3 pm: After a lazy SeaTac teen was fired from his job at REI, he proceeded to the store's "chucker cherries" display, filled a bag with various "high-energy" foods, and walked out of the store forever. Or so he thought. Just outside, a loss-prevention officer approached the teen and escorted him back into the store, directly to the security office. When the ex-employee was patted down, the loss-prevention officer discovered not only $13 worth of high-energy food, but also an Eagle Creek travel organizer (value $20). When police arrived, they performed a second pat-down, and found that the teen had also pocketed a Swiss watch (valued at $105). A third and final pat-down produced yet another Swiss watch. As the SeaTac kid is a minor, he was released. Sgt. Vela screened the incident.

Matching Espresso Maker

DowntownSun May 16, 12:20 pm: A man wearing a long black leather coat, a black silk shirt, black pants, and black sunglasses walked into a Starbucks coffee shop. In front of several customers, the gloomily dressed man grabbed a black Barista Zia espresso maker off the display shelf, put it into a black leather bag, and walked out of the store without paying the $200 price. The man was last seen walking westbound on Yesler Way.

Penis Overboard

Foster IslandSun May 16, 5:58 pm: Two women were in a canoe on Lake Washington when the following incident took place: One of the women looked ashore and observed a man standing along the shoreline, looking intently at her. The woman looked away, but then looked back again just in time to see that the man had dropped his jeans to expose his erection to her. The woman in the canoe screamed at the man, who then pulled up his pants and walked away. When the police questioned the woman's paddling partner, she said she didn't see the suspect pull down his pants, as she was too busy paddling the canoe.

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