Hot Pockets

University District

Tues June 1, 12:49 am: A man who poured gasoline all over himself and threatened to light himself on fire last week called the police again tonight to say that he had covered himself in paint thinner (which doesn't smell as good as gasoline, but is just as effective), and was about to light a match. He told police that he had the matches in his hands, and was really going to do it. Really! But yawning death hardly felt cheated when the cops were able to get to the man's home in time, and save his miserable little existence.

The Great Van Murders

West Seattle

Thurs June 3, 10:45 am: An unknown assassin walked up to two empty U.S. postal vans parked on SW Trenton, and gunned them down with a 9mm pistol. One vehicle suffered multiple hits to its cargo wall, while the other suffered a shattered front windshield. Fragments of 9mm slugs, which were found in the vans and on the street, were submitted into evidence by Officer Norman.

Love in the Afternoon, and Morning, and Evening


Sat June 5, 7:00 pm: A woman reported that her ex-boyfriend was sending unwanted gifts and leaving multiple phone messages at her work. She had dated this man for several years, but when her brother was murdered in February, she neglected to speak to her boyfriend for a week. At the funeral, he confronted her about why she hadn't called or gone out with him that week. The woman was appalled by her boyfriend's "selfish behavior," considering the circumstances, and decided it was best to end the relationship there and then. But despite changing her phone number, moving to a new address, and trying to build a new life, her ex tracked her down at work. And though he is actually dating another woman (her ex-best friend, to be exact), the pesky ex-boyfriend keeps leaving messages that express his supposedly eternal love for her. Exasperated by his preternatural persistence, she called the police, who instructed her on the proper procedure for obtaining an anti-harassment order.

Fathers and Daughters

Beacon Hill

Fri June 11, 1:00 pm: A 17-year-old woman called 911 to report that her father had tried to choke her to death. When the police arrived, they found her father sitting on the stairs in front of the house. He somberly told them that he had indeed choked his daughter, and explained that he had done so because he was "fed up with the bullshit," and wished to "choke the shit out of her." This sad story began the previous day, when the father found a book about pregnancy in his house, and immediately phoned his daughter at a friend's house and instructed her to come home and explain a few things. The daughter refused, and only returned the next day around noon to pack her belongings. She was leaving her father for good. The old man caught her packing, and an argument erupted between the two, which escalated to the choking incident. The father said, "I'll break your jaw!" The daughter responded, "Well, break it then!" The father got behind his daughter, wrapped his thick fingers around her neck, and began to squeeze. Death was on its way, but suddenly missed its opportunity when the daughter managed to free herself from her father's determined grip and escape to safety. The father was booked into King County Jail.

Death of a Man


Mon June 14 10:20 pm: A dead man was found in the bathroom of the McDonald's that streams country music out to the corner of Third Ave and Pine St. As the music played, the police investigated the crime scene and found a syringe, the bottom half of a burnt aluminum can, and a small puncture mark with blood trickling out of it on the victim's upper right arm. No further action was taken. No further action was needed.

Tears for Fears


Wed June 16, 2:00 am: A crying woman called the police from a pay phone on Third Ave. She was crying so hard that when the police arrived and asked what the matter was, they could not understand her. She couldn't hold back the tears long enough to say what had happened and what had plunged her into such depths of despair. Now and then she would blurt out, "It just doesn't matter anymore; it just doesn't matter anymore," and resume her wailing. The police transported her to the hospital and never determined why she was crying like a river, as if it were the end of the world.

The Devil is a Tow Truck Man

Capitol Hill

Wed June 16, 11:49 pm: An Issaquah man who was visiting a friend on 14th Ave stopped in his car when he found a tow truck blocking the driveway to his friend's apartment parking lot. He rolled down his window and commanded the driver of the tow truck to get out of his way. But the tow truck man became infuriated by the Issaquah man's high and mighty tone, and spat in his face. Alarmed by this response, the Issaquah man backed away from the tow truck man and attempted to flee. But the tow truck man came after him, hurling obscenities like spears. The tow truck man then punched the driver's side of the car, causing broken glass to fly into the face of the Issaquah man. He then, with supernatural strength, pulled the frightened driver out of his car and began kicking and punching him. When the tow truck man felt he had soundly punished the Issaquah man for his impudence, he left in an unknown direction.

The Death of a Woman


Thurs June 17 9:40 am: A dead woman was found slumped on a toilet seat in the public rest-room on the lower level of Pike Place Market. An investigation of the crime area produced a plastic bag with what appeared to be some type of residue in it, and a small metal bottle cap with a small amount of blood in it. The victim's last known address was the Pierce County Jail.

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