Popsicle or Penis?
Thurs June 17, 3:00 pm: Two young and happy sisters (one 18, the other 24) walked up to an ice cream van to buy a delicious, cool treat. But when they were about to make their selection, the ice cream man suddenly pulled down his pants, exposed his genitals, and said, "You want to eat me? I want you bad!" The sisters screamed, ran home, and called the police, who were unable to find the deviant ice cream man in his little ice cream truck.
Fri June 25, 12:15 pm: Officer Shirey, a Seattle motorcycle cop, was struck down by a car on Rainier Ave S. Shirey was heading south on Rainier, looking impressive, sexy, and fascistic in his jack boots and sunglasses, when a car driving north suddenly turned and hit him. The officer suffered a broken collarbone and many bruises (on the body and soul). The driver sustained no injuries, but is now under the watchful eye of the Seattle Police Department. (Hit a pedestrian, hit a bus, but don't ever hit a cop on a motorbike!)
Fri June 25, 3:47 pm: A woman dating a former World Wrapps manager reported to police in May that her boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) had been acting strangely during sex. He was apparently in the habit of inviting her to the World Wrapps store after it was closed, and having sex in the kitchen. This was when the sex became "strange," said the woman. During their last encounter, her ex-boyfriend smoked some crack and began using kitchen utensils on her during sex. When she told him to stop, he kept right on with the damn utensils. She left him for good, but made no report until today, because while she was at home (and very stoned), her ex-boyfriend came to her door and threatened revenge for costing him his job--he blamed her rather than his kinky predilections and growing drug problem. The ex-boyfriend is still at large.
We're Not in Kirkland Anymore
Fri June 25, 10:59 pm: At the Magnuson Park boat ramp, a police officer came upon some teens who were lighting off bottle rockets, and asked if they knew that what they were doing was illegal in Seattle. One teen said they were from Kirkland, and that the Kirkland PD had given the okay to explode fireworks in the park, over the lake. The officer "took control of their fireworks," and informed the kids that they were now in Seattle and had to obey the law. The suspects got the message, and promised never to set off fireworks in Seattle again. The police officer placed the bottle rockets and Roman candles in a barrel at the North Precinct.
Ready, Aim, Fire!
Sat June 26 5:53 pm: A man trying to park his rental car in a parking lot was obstructing the way for a '96 Dodge, whose driver wanted to pass in a hurry. Heated words were exchanged between the drivers, and the passenger in the Dodge lit a bottle rocket, aimed it at the rental car, and fired. The exploding bottle rocket caused paint damage on the rental car. With the mission completed, the Dodge left in an unknown direction.
Why Did the Chickens Cross the Road?
Sat June 26, 9:19 pm: While patrolling the streets of West Seattle, Officer Price observed 14 chickens sneaking across the road to a yard on 35th Ave SW. The officer was unable to capture and contain all of these errant chickens, so he called for backup. Together the officers took the chickens into custody--though I'm not sure how they were transported. No one has claimed ownership of the chickens; no one knows why they were crossing the road, and it's unclear what business they had at the home on 35th. The chickens are behind bars and will not be released until some important questions are answered.
Sat June 26, 9:20 pm: The staff at the new Starbucks in the Central District received a shock when a man standing outside on the street attempted to throw a chair through the store's window. The chair bounced off the glass and no damage was caused. The police were called; upon arrival they met the "mental male" (police speak for a mentally ill individual), and asked why he had thrown the chair at this fine establishment. As expected, the "mental male" said something about the "Men in Black" and the CIA trying to kill him. His form of madness is not unusual--it has all the classic elements (UFOs, evil G-Men, and so on). What is original about this report (and why I'm delighted to share it with you) is Officer Deese's excellent description of this particular "mental male." It is a vivid, expert account, demonstrating that Deese has poetic potential--a true literary gift. He wrote, "[The mental male] appeared upset at the initial contact, but calmed down. He was extremely dirty. His hand and face were almost black with caked dirt; probably he had not bathed in weeks. His hair was matted and dirty. His clothes were disheveled and filthy. He claimed he had no family or friends, no one to care for him." Splendid stuff, Officer Deese! Please, I implore you, write more reports!