Large woman at large

Fri June 25, 1:35 pm:
A 30-year-old man fears he was sexually assaulted by a "very large" Romanian woman, who he says doctored his tea and took advantage of him while he was helplessly locked in a deep and dreamless sleep. The story goes like this: He was at the Romanian woman's house one evening, when she offered him a cup of tea. When he declined, she pushed him to try her special tea. He relented, and soon after drinking it, he plunged into sleep. When he woke the following morning, he saw signs that the woman had "helped herself" (to borrow an expression made famous by Zimbabwe's ex-president, who was in the habit of doctoring his body guards' Fantas and Schweppes, then "helping himself" when they had fallen asleep). The victim was given a case number by Officer Smith, and was told he would be contacted later. The Romanian woman is still at large.

Sweet home, Alabama

First Hill
Fri June 25, 5:15 pm:
A "mental male" (as they are called in police speak) escaped from Harborview Medical Center's psych ward, where he was being "involuntarily held," pending a hearing on the state of his mental well-being. He was last seen running toward downtown, and is described as white and wearing a T-shirt, blue jeans, and a white baseball cap with "Alabama" written across it. If you see this "mental male," please call the police at once. The psych ward eagerly awaits his return, as they need to run some more tests on him to determine his true condition.

The husband, the wife, and the tail

Capitol Hill
Tues June 29, 7:45 pm:
A husband and wife walked out of their home and hopped in their car to go downtown, where they both work. As they pulled away, they noticed a strange man sitting in a red Toyota Corolla. Things became even stranger when, as they headed down the road, the red Toyota followed them. At a traffic jam near Dexter Ave and Denny Way, both cars came to a stop. The husband got out of his car and walked over to the Toyota to confront the stranger, who wore a brown parka. As he approached, he saw the driver hurrying to hide a notebook, which had the couple's home address and several other notes written on it. The traffic jam began to clear, so the spied-on man returned to his car, promptly drove to a pay phone, and called the police. The tail was gone by the time police arrived; the couple couldn't come up with any conceivable reason as to why they'd been followed, but did have the stranger's license plate number. A quick check revealed that the car belonged to a finance corporation based in Orlando, Florida. Police Beat will keep a close eye on the progress of this strange case.

Pot does not affect judgment

Tues June 29, 10:35 pm:
Officer W. J. Edwards was driving westbound on N 85th St when he heard what sounded like bottle rockets. He turned his car around and headed toward the racket. Finding what he suspected was ground zero, Edwards parked his squad car and promptly heard more bottle rockets go off. A look around the area revealed a 27-year-old man in a stairwell, using his cigarette to light the fuse of yet another bottle rocket. The rocket whistled away and exploded.

Officer Edwards saw more fireworks nearby, and confiscated them. He then asked the 27-year-old whether he had any more fireworks to turn over to the law. The man said he didn't, but that he did have a brass pipe, which he used to smoke marijuana (nothing crazy like crack or heroin). Alarmed, Officer Edwards dropped all interest in the fireworks and demanded to see the innocuous brass pipe. The young man turned it over. Upon close inspection, the officer saw that it was lined with residue that smelled like marijuana. That was all Edwards needed to see--he searched the pyrotechnical man and found a packet of marijuana in his front pocket. Edwards I and R'd the suspect and returned to the precinct to test the evidence--it was positively marijuana! The officer is pushing for charges of possession of an illegal substance.

His grass is glass

Wed June 30, 12:39 pm:
The owner of an import/export business reported to police that a man who had dated his sister until this past January (she dumped him after he informed her that he was a heroin addict) may be responsible for dumping broken glass onto the businessman's front yard every week for the past seven months. Though he can't prove that the junkie is behind this glittering caper, he's nevertheless going to apply for a restraining order.

Good guys and bad guys

Wed June 30, 12:46 pm:
The manager of Good Guys Pizza on Aurora called the police to report that from 11 am to 12 pm that day he had received four calls from a young-sounding male who repeatedly asked, "So are you a good guy or a bad guy?" Thanks to caller ID, the manager was able to determine the number from which the teen was calling, but when he called, all he got was an answering machine.

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