No limit

DowntownWed July 21, 3:55 pm: A 19-year-old employee of Burger King reported to the police that his glittering "No Limit Records" necklace was stolen by an unknown person after he mistakenly left it in an area designated for employees only. The necklace is silver, with an engraved "No Limit" soldier in a "phat" army tank. It expressed the Burger King employee's loyalty to the very successful New Orleans-based record label owned by the "Rupert Murdoch of rap music," Master P, who gave the world such memorable hits as "Gangstas Need Love," "Thug Girl," "Time to Check My Crackhouse," and "Killer Pussy." Officer Pomper gave the disconsolate youth a case number.

The big metaphor

MagnoliaFri July 23, 5:00 pm: A police officer received a report that a man was disturbing the peace in the parking lot of Discovery Park. When the officer arrived at the scene, he found a man sitting by himself in the back seat of a car with all of its doors open. Upon closer inspection, the police officer noticed that the man was in fact not alone, but sitting next to a large fire extinguisher, which was strapped with a seat belt. The perplexed police officer asked the man what this was all about. The man responded that it was a "metaphor of the modern world." The police officer just didn't get it, and warned the man not to disturb any more park people.

Escort girl has been everywhere

AuroraSun July 25, 10:30 pm: A police officer stopped a woman whom he observed jaywalking across Aurora. He asked to look in her black purse for possible weapons, but found these items: a nylon zipper wallet containing her Alaska ID, one screwdriver, one eyeglass case containing a lighter, one blue pill, a Brillo pad, two cigarettes, and one open condom. When the cop looked up at her, she said she didn't work the street but worked at an "escort service." When this didn't impress the cop she added that she had traveled to many, many places: "Been from Alaska all the way to Florida!" The cop remained unimpressed and later placed the open condom into evidence.

"Do you mind not videotaping the children?"

RavennaTues July 27, 2:24 pm: Approximately 15 happy children (ages 8-14) were taking gymnastics lessons in the backyard of a home on 25th Ave NE, when an unknown man with a big beard peered over the fence and began videotaping their nimble exertions. Alarmed, the gymnastics teacher said to the man, "Do you mind not videotaping the children?" The man with the big beard said, "I do mind," and kept on videotaping. The gymnastics teacher ordered him to stop; the man barked, "No way!" The instructor called the police and told them what her neighbor was up to, but when the police knocked on the door of the suspect there was no response. The video man with the big beard is still at large.

The next big thing

DowntownWed July 28, 4:00 am: Officer Deese, the literary genius of the police department, filed yet another amazing report this week. He is certainly the master of the police-report form and nothing gives me more pleasure than to offer my readers a delicious sample of his eloquent pen. In this report, Officer Deese describes the investigation and subsequent arrest of a professional paybox thief, who was caught working a Republic Parking Lot paybox on 1st Ave.

"During the search of the suspect who was a tall white male, wearing baseball cap, white shirt, and chain hanging from his belt, I recovered a single $1 bill from his right front rocket. I also recovered an additional $76.00 in $1 and $5 bills from the suspect's left front pocket. Several of the bills were torn, consistent with having been removed from a paybox. The majority of the bills, but not all, were damp as if they had been doused with water.... I [then] asked Officer Hams [his partner] to look around the paybox for anything that might have been used to remove money from the slots. Officer Hams recovered a set of stainless steel surgical clamps, lying on the ground, directly in front of the paybox. I also recovered a water bottle from the top of the paybox. The face of the paybox was wet, with visible water beads and water streams running from the top to the bottom of it. Water is often used to dampen the money, making it softer for easier removal. It is not uncommon to find a bottle of water near a paybox, they are used for this purpose. I also recovered a roll of transparent tape from the rack, on the back of the suspect's bike. Transparent tape is also another tool used by paybox looters. Because of the design of the payboxes, with their small slots, the bills are often torn/ripped while being removed. The paybox looter will then tape the bills back together so that they are negotiable." Wow! What style! When will this man get an agent?!

He's gone marbles

DowntownWed July 28, 11:20 am: A Colorado man, checking out from Best Western Loyal Inn on 8th Ave, was shocked when he saw the bill for his stay. He protested to the manager of the hotel about some of the charges; the manager looked at the bill and refused to make any changes. The man began swearing at the manager, but the manager held fast to his position -- these were the charges and that was that. The frustrated Colorado man then took a glass vase full of marbles, which was standing on the counter, and threw it at the manager. The vase hit the manager on the lower part of his arm and then smashed on the floor. Over 30 translucent blue and purple marbles dispersed in every direction like some chaotic galaxy expanding before the manager's eyes. The Colorado man then left the scene in a white '95 van. Officer Hope gave the manager a case number and told him to give 911 a call if the Colorado man returned to spend another night in the Best Western Loyal Inn.

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