Handicaps and Hamburgers/Greenwood/ Sat Feb 14/3:30 pm: For this week's Police Beat, I have transformed a report authored by Detective Larsen into a very short play. Those who have the space and time are free to produce it without any permission from me.

Characters: Detective (tall white male, early 40s, in police uniform). Suspect (short white male, mid-30s, wearing a baseball cap). Setting: A Dick's Drive-In

Detective: (to audience) While in my parked truck, I observe a man parking his 2000 BMW in the only handicap space on the east end of the lot. The space is marked on the fence with a handicap sign, as well as blue paint markings on the pavement. When the suspect gets out of the car, I get out of my truck and approach him on foot. I look at his vehicle--it has no disabled placard on the rearview mirror. (turns to the suspect, now standing next to him) You need to place the handicap placard on the rearview mirror.

Suspect: (laughing) I have an injured leg. That makes me disabled.

Detective: If you do not have a disabled placard, then it will cost you a $250 ticket to park in that space. (Suspect, still laughing, walks to a counter to place an order. )

Detective: Well, I guess I need to go and get my ticket book from the truck. (The detective walks back to his truck and grabs a parking book from the backseat; meanwhile, the suspect walks back to his BMW and moves it to another space. The detective approaches the suspect, who is now out of his car and walking back to the counter.)

Detective: What do you want me to do about the parking violation? (The suspect ignores detective. )

Detective: We are not done talking.

Suspect: I'm ordering food.

Detective: Let's start over again: You drove up and parked your car in the handicap space. I don't know if you saw the sign or not, but I pointed it out to you. That's my job. You gave me a smart-aleck response. What do you think I should do about this ticket? (holds up parking book)

Suspect: I'm sorry about parking in the handicap space. (The detective accepts the apology and returns to his truck. A few minutes later, however, suspect walks out to an opening in the fence on the east side of Dick's property line. The detective gets out of his truck and approaches the suspect on foot. Suspect is standing, facing a shrub. He sees the detective and quickly pulls in his penis. )

Detective: First you drive in and commit a violation by parking in the handicap space, now you go and urinate in public.

Suspect: I was calling my wife on a cell.

Detective: I think it's time you leave the lot.

Suspect: I don't have to listen to you.

Detective: You need to leave now or I'll arrest you.

(Suspect returns to his car, yells some obscenities, and drives off, slowly glaring at the detective.)

The End