Nazi aliens/University District/Thurs Aug 5, 8:38 pm to 10:39 pm: Today, Seattle's UFO Reporting Center told police that they have been receiving threatening calls from an unidentified being. This unknown (and possibly unknowable) creature made a total of 17 calls crammed with "rambling" and "nearly incoherent" messages -- during the last, the mysterious creature composed this human sentence: "I am going to kick your ass!" The UFO Reporting Center, which has no idea why the creature is harassing them, also told police about a curious letter they received on July 10 that contained nearly two pages of mathematical formulas. At the bottom of this alien letter was a sentence that read, "Somebody is facing catastrophic military disadvantage, and I know it's not us," followed by a swastika. Police Beat promises to have these secret formulas deciphered by an expert so we can save the world from evil nazi aliens!
The stranger/Safeco Field/Fri Aug 6, 5:30 pm: This Friday, as the Mariners prepared to lose to the New York Yankees, a strange man attempted to abduct a 10-year-old Federal Way girl. She was walking along an aisle when the man pushed her up a set of stairs. Before he could carry out his sinister plan, the girl escaped to the safety of her mother's arms. Stadium security called the police, who apprehended the man near the bullpen area and took him to a holding cell. King County Sheriff Sgt. Williams had the honor of reading this scumbag his rights.
Knife-wielding neighbor/Greenwood/Sat Aug 7, 12:51 pm: Two homeowners on Greenwood Ave, who have a running dispute over their property line, finally called a surveyor to clear up the matter once and for all. As the surveyor worked, one of the homeowners, a bearded man who wore thick glasses, became very upset (he was apparently aware that he would soon be losing ground). His neighbor, however, was in a capital mood, moving flowers hither and thither in her front yard. Her mood changed, however, when she saw the bearded neighbor staring at her as he sharpened a machete, the weapon of choice during the death orgy that consumed Rwanda six years ago. She called the police, who confronted the man. He explained that, "I was just sharpening the knife in preparation for cooking a [very late] breakfast." The police responded, "You may want to avoid actions that could be considered an attempt to intimidate, and sharpen your knives in your house rather than on the street." The man returned to his home, and that's where this sad story stands.
The sinister snowman/Capitol Hill/Sun Aug 8, 12:30 pm: A man left his apartment on Boren Ave at 7:00 am to go to work. When he returned early in the afternoon, he found a plastic grocery bag by his front door. He opened the bag and saw that it contained one small wooden snowman (a Christmas decoration). He became very upset, because he had no idea what it meant -- was it a message of some sort? He called the police and showed them the snowman, explaining that he was very worried about what might happen next. All the police could do for the nervous man was place the wooden snowman into evidence.
Barbecue, boats, and babes/Madrona Park/Sun Aug 8, 1:00 pm: A 30-year-old married man, whose home has a view of Lake Washington, invited his friends over for a barbecue and to watch the blue jets tear up the sky. One of the guests was an unknown 20-year-old woman, who began to flagrantly flirt with the married man as his wife watched from a distance. Later, when the smash hit "Holla, Holla" by the new Def Jam recording artist Ja Rule played on the stereo, the married man (now drunk) did the "nasty dance" with the young flirt. After the dance, his wife walked up to him and threw a plate of barbecued food at his face, changing the mood of this small gathering for the worse.