The secret government/Eastlake/Mon Aug 9, 5:28 pm: Today, the acrid smell of ammonia choked the air on the 1600 block of Eastlake Ave, when containers owned by a contractor for the Department of Defense began leaking. The Seattle Fire Department responded and secured the scene within minutes. Later, spacemen began probing the area, and found the two leaking pressurized ammonia containers. They secured the damaged containers until a higher order of spacemen from the Department of Ecology arrived and took possession of them. After all the spacemen departed, the scene was secured by incident commander Sgt. W. Herbert. No deaths or missing persons have yet been reported.

Them's fighting words/Renton/Sat Aug 14, 3:55 pm: When police responded to a report that a fight was taking place at Mayas Restaurant on Rainier Ave, they rushed to the scene and made contact with a black man, who told them this unhappy story: He had been sitting in the bar area of the restaurant for about 20 minutes without service, and when the bartender (a white male from Tacoma) finally got around to him, the black man angrily stormed out of the restaurant. The bartender followed him out of the restaurant and called him, among other things, a "nigger." The black man stopped and turned around -- as the expression goes, them were fighting words. The bartender knew he had crossed the line, and was ready to deal with the consequences. He began to unbutton his shirt and said, "I'll kick your ass!" But before 400 years of American history were reduced to a round of brutal blows, the cops were called to intervene. The bartender stated to the police that, for some unknown reason, this black man began yelling obscenities at him while he was working hard at his job. But witnesses (one of whom was white) contradicted the bartender's story, and claimed that the one told by the black man was closer -- in fact, much closer to the truth. In fact, there was a black woman in the bar who was about to leave because the bartender visibly refused to serve her. All in all, this doesn't look good for Mayas Restaurant; these days such practices can be very costly -- ask anyone who works at Denny's.

Beware of the black stickmen/Aurora/Sun Aug 15, 4:00 am: An unemployed and unhappy white man, who was walking home from 145th and Aurora because he fell asleep on the bus and missed his bus stop at 105th and Aurora, was accosted by two black men with walking sticks. The black men asked him for money. The white man, who also has problems with his legs, and had found the 40 blocks he had just covered treacherous, told them he had absolutely nothing. One of the black men raised his walking stick like an oracle, or perhaps some medicine man in a dream, and commanded the white man with the bad legs to empty his pockets. The white man did as he was told; he produced exactly $7. The black man took the money and raised his sorcerous walking stick again, and commanded the white man to produce "mo' money." The white man dropped his head, dug in his pockets, and handed over $200, which was his rent money. "I knew I shouldn't have had it on me," he later said to the police. The black men with the walking sticks then let the white man with the bad legs continue his lonely and now penniless walk home.

The end of the road/Fremont/Sat Aug 21, 12:27 pm: Tonight, a hardcore criminal -- wanted by the police for almost every major crime except murder -- was in his apartment on N 36th St, planning his next hardcore crime, when heavily armed and bulletproof cops knocked at his door. The cops asked him his name. He replied, "Bismarck." The cops asked him his last name. He replied, "Obando." They told him he was under arrest. He replied, "I understand." And with no resistance, without a gun battle to the bitter end, he gave into fate like a helpless puppy. This was the end of the road for the hardcore criminal, and now our city can sleep in peace, while he rots in prison forever.