The dead under the Space Needle/Queen Anne/Thurs Aug 26, 7:45 am: Early today, police responded to a call from the world famous Space Needle. Apparently a woman who had camped near the beloved building overnight was now up to no good. When the cops arrived, they found her furiously banging on the glass entry doors of the Space Needle's ground floor building, screaming about how she had to save the five people buried underneath it. After the cops handcuffed her, she told them she was Jesus Christ -- they didn't believe her because as everyone knows, Jesus is a guy, not a woman. They then called American Medical Response to transport the woman to the hospital. As she was loaded into the ambulance, the officers were treated to a heavy barrage of profanities. But as far as Police Beat knows, those five people are still trapped under the Space Needle.

Love in the gutter/Capitol Hill/Sat Aug 28, 5:08 am: When cops were dispatched to the 100 block of Summit Ave in response to a call about a sexual assault in progress, they found, upon arrival, "four legs sticking out of [a] dumpster." Officer Upton approached the dumpster, peered inside and saw "a man lying next to a woman." When the woman noticed the officer she screamed, "He's trying to rape me!" The officer hastily separated the two, who smelled of "intoxicants" and decaying food. The woman explained to the cops that since Aug 26, the smelly man was in the habit of buying her beer if she agreed to take a walk with him. Today he purchased 22 oz. of beer and suggested that they drink behind Hamburger Marys' dumpster. When they had finished the beer, the man "wanted sex"; she said no, and somehow they wound up inside the dumpster. The smelly man had nothing to say for himself, except that the woman was a "lying bitch!"

Mudede's Fire Sermon/ Seattle/Sun Aug 29, all night: On this day we Americans set aside for our Lord, no less than four of his humble homes of worship were burgled by men who are bound for a hotter hell than the one designated for the author of Police Beat. (My only sin is liquor; Lord forgive me, I just can't let go of that bottle!) It all began with Messiah Lutheran Church on 35th Ave NE, when the pastor responded to an alarm at 2 am. Upon arriving at the violated church, she found $35 of the Lord's money (in change) missing from one of His cupboards. At about the same time, the Calvary Lutheran Church on 23rd Ave NW was broken into by an unidentified man (but God knows who you are; He knows everything and never forgets), who broke into the church office by way of a kitchen window. And while God watched in silence, the thief made off with two computers, a VCR, and $100 from a small safe. Also around this time, someone broke into the basement of the Woodland Presbyterian Church on N 70th St, but was disappointed when all he found were hanging choir robes. Then, last but not least, at the Sacred Heart Church on Second Ave N, someone smashed the glass door of the rectory, entered God's office, and stole one stick of the Lord's Big Red chewing gum and a stick of His Carefree chewing gum. The evil thief then proceeded to take God's boombox.

I say to all you thieves, do you know the fires of Hell? Do you know what it is like to have your flesh burn forever? Can you imagine that extreme pain? Yes, today you have your gum and your coins, but when you die and are banished from God's light and are left to rot forever in Satan's burning kingdom, you will regret that moment on Sunday August 29, when you violated His property. So, if you want to live, if you want God to show you some fucking mercy, then I recommend you stop burglarizing His house, and follow the example of the author of Police Beat: Let your only sin be the delights of whiskey.

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