Sat Aug 28: Today, something in the air, water, or food caused a number of normal men to do a most irrational thing: grab the breasts of unsuspecting women.
The beggar/Pioneer Square/noon: The first incident occurred in Pioneer Square, when a 30-year-old Renton woman walked out of a restaurant and was approached by a man who asked her for money. She said no. He said, "But, lady, can't you see I need the money?" She said no again. "Well, then," he said, lowering his voice, "if you are not going to give me money, then at least let me touch your breasts." Without a second thought, he placed his right hand on her left breast, after which she screamed and slapped his filthy paw away. As if awakening from a trance, the beggar apologized and walked away, southbound down First Ave, toward the new Safeco Field. The Renton woman returned to the restaurant and called 911. When the police arrived, she told them the man had a scar by his left eye, long fingernails, a beer belly, and spoke with an accent she could not place.
The laughing man/West Seattle/12:29 pm: Just minutes after the first attack in Pioneer Square, another occurred on 35th Ave SW, when two teenage girls, who were walking while talking about the new Mariah Carey video, saw a man laughing and urinating onto a tree. They were so shocked by the flagrant indecency of this man they ran away. Once at a safe distance, the girls resumed their discussion of the merits of Mariah Carey's new video. But then, they saw this laughing man again; he was now trying to hide from them in a yard on the west side of the street. The laughing man -- who had sideburns like a leprechaun, wore green shorts, and was very short -- quickly dashed toward the girls, grabbed madly at their breasts, and then ran away, still laughing his head off. The girls armed themselves with a stick, ran to a mini-mart, and called 911. They told the police that the stranger "seemed to be playing a game; hiding, following, and laughing at us."
The street kid/Downtown/5:53 pm: The next indecent liberty happened near the Pike Place Market. The suspect (described as a "street kid," who wore a green hunter cap, green flannel shirt, and possessed a mouthful of "crooked teeth") approached the victim (an 18-year-old college student from Edmonds, who happened to be standing by the entrance to the world-famous Pike Place Market, near a flower shop), and said, "Hey, beautiful."
She looked at him. He looked at her. And then impetuously, unthinkingly, he grabbed her left breast with his right hand. The Edmonds woman pushed the suspect's right hand away; the man laughed and fled, dissolving into the crowd observing the world-famous fish-throwing men.
The man with the beard/Downtown/10:00 pm: The last attack of the day happened on First Ave and Battery, when a woman who was walking to work stopped in front of the Cascadia restaurant, and noticed a man looking weirdly at her. The man wore a Mariners baseball cap, a plaid shirt, baggy blue jeans, and had a beard. The man walked up to her and said, "Nice tits." Suddenly, as if his hand was possessed by a demon, he grabbed her breast. The woman hit the suspect over the head with her purse, and he ran away southbound on First Ave, toward the new Mariners stadium. Since that Saturday, there have been no other reported outbreaks of "indecent liberties," and Police Beat hopes that it is once again safe for women to walk the streets of Seattle.