The Broken Straightener/West Seattle/Wed July 11/3:35 pm: Officer Jenkins reports: "I was dispatched to the address to investigate a family disturbance. I arrived and contacted the involved parties. Complainant/witness (black, female, 29) lives at that apartment and she has allowed suspect (black, female, 31) and victim (black, female, 11) to stay there for about a year. I talked to witness and victim separately and they both stated the following: Suspect was styling victim's hair with a hot hair straightener. Victim flinched. Suspect got upset and struck victim on the head with the straightener. Suspect then struck victim several times with her hand. After that, suspect kicked victim in the upper right thigh and it caused pain (and bruising). Complainant then called 911. Suspect was taken into custody without incident and later transported to the King County Jail. Officers located the Vidal Sassoon hair straightener in a garbage can outside. Suspect struck victim on the head with the straightener so hard that the straightener broke. It was entered into evidence. Sgt. Sweetland was on the incident and arrest."

Going back to Ohio/Aurora/Thurs July 12/1:30 pm: Officer T. Digalis reports: "Officer Witmer and I were dispatched to a block of Aurora to investigate a domestic-violence disturbance call. We arrived at 1345 hours and talked to complainant/witness. He told us the following: He moved here from Ohio three weeks ago. He met the suspect and started dating her. About a week ago, suspect started acting erratically. Complainant told suspect that he did not want to see her anymore. He told her that he was going to move back to Ohio.

"Today, about 0600 hours, suspect came over to complainant's apartment. He was packing his things into his truck. About 1330 hours, complainant told suspect that he was leaving. Suspect grabbed complainant's car keys and got into his car. Complainant was worried that she was going to steal his car, so he jumped into the passenger seat.

"Suspect drove to Mr. Bill's restaurant off Aurora Avenue North. Suspect was yelling and screaming at complainant. She got out of his vehicle, taking the car keys with her. Complainant chased suspect to get his car keys back. Complainant lost sight of suspect. He waited by his vehicle for police to arrive.

"We went to the suspect's apartment building. She was standing in front of it. We asked her what happened. She said she did not steal his car keys. She said she left the keys behind Mr. Bill's restaurant. We went to the restaurant, located the keys on the post, and returned them to the victim. He said he was breaking his apartment lease and leaving for Ohio immediately."

It's so strange that someone would give up on a whole city because the person he first dated turned out to be crazy. It's as if that one person—her erratic behavior, her shouting, her drama—was the city itself. She behaves as Seattle behaves; she thinks as all of Seattle thinks. She is bad and therefore the whole damn city is bad. After three weeks of her nonsense, it's time to return to Ohio, the sweet land of normal, sane, drama-free women. recommended

charles@thestranger.com