Stunning in its sheer brutality
Capitol Hill

Fri Jan 5, 2:26 am:
While walking on East Denny, a citizen by the name of Golden came across a man wearing nothing but a knee-length grey overcoat, exposing his groin area. Feeling it was his duty to have this flasher removed from the public eye, Mr. Golden called the police. They soon arrived on the scene, and after a brief search, they apprehended and identified the flasher and transported him to headquarters. As police were processing the suspect, the office exploded into activity: a Central District woman had been stabbed and beaten with a sledgehammer by her husband of 29 years. Amid the intensity of this unfolding homicide (whose sheer brutality stunned even the most inured homicide detectives), the flasher was released with a warning. The flasher remained intoxicated throughout his late-night odyssey.

He began to moan in pleasure
University District

Sun Feb 7, 4:57 pm: A 21-year-old woman was suddenly "felt up" by a brazen man in a giant pea coat. It all happened at sunset in a darkening alley. The young woman was walking home from Safeway, on the 4700 blk of Brooklyn Ave, when she heard someone running up behind her. She turned to see a skinny man rapidly approaching. He wore small wire-rimmed glasses and a navy blue pea coat, which she thought looked too big for him: "It was like it was hanging on him," she said. This man in the oversized pea coat grabbed her from behind, and immediately began to moan in pleasure. Stunned and offended, the woman dropped her groceries, broke free of his desperate grasp, and smacked him soundly on the face. The blow stopped the man cold; and as she faced him, she tried to get a better look at him through the half-light, for she thought he might be a friend of hers pulling some kind of sick prank. When she was satisfied that he wasn't an acquaintance, she tore the glasses off his face and threw them to the ground. She watched in silence as the pathetic pervert reached down, picked up his glasses, and scampered into the shadows like some hunchback from a horror film.

She posed with a pink vibrator

Mon Feb 8, 10:55 pm: A distressed 29-year-old man reported that his ex-lover (a 27-year-old woman with a Wild West pistol tattooed on one breast and a blood-red rose on the other) has been mailing him pornographic photos of herself. He reported that he broke up with this woman a month ago, and she has been sending him Polaroids of her nude body ever since. He gets about three of these kinky letters a week, each envelope containing three to five pictures of her in suggestive poses. In some photos she is lying on a futon; in others, she stands by an open window or sits on the kitchen table by the refrigerator. In a recent set of pictures, she posed on the porch with a pink "finger and thumb" vibrator on a rare sunny day. This set of pictures proved to be the last straw: the man asked the law to help him put an end to this horny harassment. (The man didn't know whether she was taking the photos by herself or with the assistance of a friend.)

'Hey, that's not cool'
University District

Tues Feb 9, 5:09 pm: A woman leaving work at NE 45th St and University Way was "freaked out" when she looked out on the second-floor fire escape to see a smoking man with his pants down around his ankles. She looked up at him; he looked down at her like some actor on a stage, and said, "Oh, sorry." Unimpressed with this apology, she called the police. When police arrived, they went into the office building, climbed up to the second floor, and found their man--he was now sitting down, and smoking another cigarette, his pants still around his ankles.
The stranger on the fire escape had a six-pack of beer (two beers were open) and various pornographic magazines (he taped a favorite picture to the wall beside him). The police also noticed that the man had used a red marker to draw two pentagrams on the insides of his thighs. The police placed the half-naked man under arrest. When they asked him what he was doing, he replied that he had been masturbating. They then asked him why he had picked the fire escape to do this, and he said he had no other place to masturbate. When they finally asked whether he was concerned that he might alarm the public with his behavior, he confidently said that if someone had approached him and said, "Hey, that's not cool," he would have collected his things and left.

Please wait on the bench

Fri Feb 12, 1:20 pm: A Ballard man walked into the Denny's restaurant at NW Market St and 15th Ave for lunch. The restaurant was busy; there were no free seats, and he was asked to wait on a bench. But the man was not destined to eat lunch that day--while waiting on the bench, he suddenly slumped over and died. Medics later determined that his death was due to natural causes.

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