This Is How the Little Beasts Do It/Downtown/Sat Feb 5/1:35 pm: This crime took place in the Metro bus tunnel, near Nordstrom. The victim was an 18-year-old student, who had just done some shopping and was very pleased. The suspect was another teenager, who probably dropped out of school many years ago (if he is still in school, he probably gets poor grades and sits at the back of the class, slumped in his seat). The crime happened like this: The suspect rushed and tackled the victim by the legs; the victim fell hard to the ground. The suspect then grabbed the victim's shopping bag and, rejoining his nearby mates, ran out of the bus tunnel. When the little beast felt that he was safe, that he had eluded his victim and the cops, he opened the bag and was pleased to find a pair of blue Nike Air Jordans worth $171! Now that's what the little beast would call "a job well done."
Hardcore Metro/Greenwood/Mon Feb 14/3:00 pm: Two cops were sitting in the rear of a 358 metro bus heading north to Shoreline, when near Aurora Village, a passenger disembarked without paying the $1.75 fare! The driver ordered the passenger to pay, but he refused. The cops went into action; they caught the errant passenger and told him to pay, or else. The passenger said he didn't have even a penny on him. The cops then positively identified the penniless passenger and released him. As these are tough times for public transportation due to initiative I-695, Officers Harrison and Brotherton request that the law show no mercy on the passenger -- they want him to be charged with "theft of services."
The Teriyaki Racket/First Hill/Tues Feb 15/3:00 pm: A hard-working businesswoman who owns a teriyaki restaurant on Broadway called the cops to report "a theft by an employee." Officer G. Montaron responded to her call, and upon arriving at the restaurant, was led by the businesswoman into the men's bathroom. She then stood on a toilet seat, removed a false panel from the ceiling, and retrieved a stack of empty Styrofoam containers. The businesswoman carefully stepped down from the toilet seat, handed the officer the containers, and explained that she suspected an employee (or employees) was selling food on the side by using the containers. Though she had no proof of this, she wanted Officer G. Montaron to make a report. What is even more amazing about this report is that Officer G. Montaron didn't bother to ask how she "discovered" these Styrofoam containers that were so cleverly hidden in the men's bathroom.
Get Money/South Seattle/Wed Feb 16/5:30 pm: Just as the sun was setting on the city, a man who works for an armored security service noticed through the thickening twilight that two men in a Cadillac were following him. He observed the two men talking on a radio, and then thought it very odd that they were dressed in camouflage and wearing sunglasses and what seemed to be fake, long beards. This Cadillac followed the armored vehicle for some time, until it suddenly disappeared somewhere along Airport Rd S. The driver is not sure what these men who looked like the guys in ZZ Top were intending to do, but he wanted to make a police report just in case.
This Is How the Big Beasts Do It/First Hill/Wed Feb 16/10:20 pm: A man approached a woman on the west side of 12th Ave and said, "Gimme your wallet!" The woman was surprised, and without a second thought told the man not to bother her, and crossed the street. The man followed her and said, "You don't want me to blast your head off, do you?" She replied, "You don't want to do this. I only have three dollars in my wallet, and really, I want to go home." The suspect showed her his silver revolver. Finally appreciating the gravity of the moment, she reached into her purse and handed him the three dollars. The stupid, big beast grabbed it, stuffed it into his pocket, and scuttled southbound on 12th Ave.