No Nine Lives/West Seattle/Thurs March 2/5:39 pm: A woman driving down Barton Street pulled up behind a stopped car with its emergency lights flashing -- the car, it turned out, was stopped because there was a terrified cat sitting in the middle of the road. As the car honked at the cat, hoping it would regain its senses and move out of the road, a blue '68 Chevy commanded by a ruddy man with curly hair pulled up behind the woman who had been driving down Barton. The ruddy man revved his engine impatiently, but neither the cat nor the stopped cars moved. Suddenly, the ruddy man drove at a high speed around the two tolerant vehicles and purposely struck the shocked cat, leaving it dead in the roadway. Animal Control was called to clean up the terrible mess.
"Fuck You, Boy"/Central District/Thurs March 2/10:27 pm: A security officer at a grocery store on South Jackson Street called the police when he observed a man eating raw meat, walking up and down the aisles of the meat section. While waiting for the cops to arrive, the security officer approached the strange man and asked him to leave the store. "I'm going to kill you," the man yelled with a bloody mouth. "I'm a Vietnam vet!" A moment later, Officer Diamond strolled into the store, heard the fracas, and in that calm, ever-so-reasonable voice all cops love to effect when they encounter emotionally charged situations, asked the vet what the problem was. "Fuck you, boy!" the vet said. "I'll kill you, boy! I will! I will!" Now, this is obviously not the best way to address an officer of the law; the vet was immediately led out of the store, with the assistance of Officer House. "Boy," the vet said to Diamond, "I'm going to sue you for everything you got. Go ahead and hit me." Diamond didn't hit the man, but instead forced him into the back of a patrol car. "I'll kill you, Diamond!" the vet screamed, and began kicking the patrol car's rear window until it broke. Though Diamond requested that "[the vet] be charged with the property damage he caused to [the] patrol car," the vet should instead be charged with eating raw flesh in public.
The Cashier's Penis/Lake City Way/Fri March 3/3:30 am: An unemployed white man walked into a convenience store on Lake City Way to buy a few items. When he approached the counter to pay for the goods, the cashier, an East Indian who wore a turban, began casually talking about strippers and strip clubs. The cashier then showed his shocked customer a couple of his favorite porno magazines, and asked if he "sucked penis." The cashier launched into a speech about the beauty and majesty of an erect penis, and the delights of oral sex. The man who made this obviously false and racially motivated report said to Officer James that "the conversation with the cashier made him uncomfortable."
My Taxes Support a Whore!/University District/Sat March 4/12:30 am: A mother and her son were at home minding their own business when a flurry of bright flashes came from outside their living room. The two looked out the window and found a woman in a purple robe standing in their garden, waving a camera. They knew who it was, and they called the police. When Officer Hammermaster spoke with the photographer -- a woman who, it turns out, lives next door -- she told him she was not taking pictures of a mother and son, but of a "prostitute and her boyfriends." She then said she did not appreciate paying taxes to support the fucking whore next door. When rational Hammermaster asked her which state or federal taxes paid for whores, the photographer responded with "a blank look on her face." Hammermaster left the woman at the scene, as she did not appear to be a threat to herself or others.