The Dog Fight Club/University District/Thurs May 25/12:32 pm: This afternoon, Mr. Woodruff and Mr. Welles called 911 to report a dogfight that was raging on the sidewalk in front of Pagliacci Pizza and Rite Aid on University Way NE. Both callers told police that the dogfight was intentional, and that a large audience was watching and yelling and enjoying the spectacle of blood and snarls, as if they were Romans in a coliseum. When Officers T. Henshaw and R. Toms arrived at the scene, the dogfight was over, the bloodthirsty audience had dispersed, and all that remained was a young black male embracing a wounded black pit bull. When asked what had happened, the young man explained that the dog was involved in a fight with a German shepherd, and that it was over food and not intentional. Though Animal Control Officer Schwamberg impounded the injured pit bull, he (and the reporting officer) failed to ask the owner if it had won or lost the great street fight.

Goodyear Arizona/West Seattle/Sat May 27/11:00 pm: A West Seattle man reported to police that he and a longtime companion were traveling around the country this spring in her motor home when they stopped in Goodyear, Arizona. While there, they "hooked up with a couple of Hispanic males," and after drinking heavily with them one night, his companion disappeared. He filed a missing-persons report the following day and spent the next two days searching, but he failed to locate her. So, he drove up to Seattle with her motor home and settled down in West Seattle. Today, he heard rumors that some Hispanic guys were coming up from Arizona to take the motor home and "get him." He told Officer Rusness that he wanted to make a report of this "suspicious circumstance" because he did nothing wrong. She disappeared. He had her motor home. He moved to Seattle. That's the whole story.

Zoo Crime/Greenwood/Sat June 3/1:11 pm: Yet another terrible crime occurred at the Woodland Park Zoo (on April 20, Police Beat reported a crime that took place in the nocturnal animals section of the zoo). Like the last crime, this one is so evil, so terrible that I can't report the details of it. All I can say is that it took place in the bushes near the zoo's parking lot, and that it involved a young girl who was walking to her checkers club and an evil man who said something like, "This is what happens to girls who walk home alone." Though no rape or murder or robbery occurred, the whole event is so evil, so surreal ("the victim wore braces"; "the suspect wore dark clothing"; "the victim blurted out, 'where are my glasses?'"; "the suspect said, '[Your glasses] are over here,'" and so on) that I don't have the guts to repeat it. And to think that not far from this terrible crime yet another unmentionable crime took place in a restroom, this involving a man with a "semi-erect penis." The growing number of unspeakable crimes perpetrated in this area has led me to conclude that the trapped animals in the zoo are somehow involved; that they are sending out bad vibes, and city authorities should return them to Africa and South America if they hope to break the evil spell the animals have cast upon our city zoo.

The Strange Case of the Missing Sorority Photograph/University District/Sun June 4/8:00 am: Heather A. Dalke of the sorority Alpha XI Delta reported to Officer J. Mahar that between midnight and 4:00 am, a person stole a photograph that depicted all of the sorority members. There were no signs of forced entry, no suspects, and the photo was valued at $3,500 dollars. Police Beat has no idea why it bothered to share this crime with its readers.