'Bill Gates is trying to kill me!'

Mon Feb 15, 10:51 pm: A concerned citizen called 911 to report that a man was inside Discovery Park, yelling that Bill Gates was trying to kill him. When police arrived and contacted the threatened man, they discovered that he was in fact a Metro bus driver who had abandoned his bus (and his reason) at the corner of Magnolia Blvd W and W Emerson. The bus driver told police that, contrary to what Wall Street investors think, Microsoft stock is worthless and ought to be "thrown off a bridge" (not the sort of advice one should take from a bus driver). He blamed the stock's worthlessness on Microsoft founder and multi-billionaire Bill Gates, who he said was trying to kill him so the horrible truth would remain unknown to the sleeping world. The police took the bus driver to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation; Metro supervisors assumed possession of his abandoned coach.

Mr. Gates' gun is stolen

Tues Feb 16, 9:06 am: A "Mr. Gates" parked his car, a 1987 GMC, between two large trucks in a parking lot just north of 1500 Fairview Ave E. When he returned to the car 10 hours later, he found the convertible top damaged and the door ajar. Gates inspected his car's interior and found that someone had pried open the glove box and stolen the gun inside. The handgun in question was described as having a little rust near the right side of the trigger, a bluish-black barrel, soft grip handles, and a dented cylinder. The report did not indicate whether this Mr. Gates was related to the Mr. Gates purported to be after the bus driver.

After-hours restaurant groping

Thurs Feb 18, 11:30 pm: A 17-year-old employee of a Seattle-area Kidd Valley restaurant reported that, for some time now, her boss (a male in his early 20s) has been touching her in ways that make her uncomfortable. Today these touches became intolerable. To start off the day, her boss expected her to bring "bud" (marijuana) to work, and she instead brought alcohol. Several times during the shift, her boss grabbed and touched her in ways that were "inappropriate," which she, as usual, endured in silence. After Kidd Valley closed to the public, and only the 17-year-old girl and her boss were left in the dark, the two began to drink the wine she had brought. At one point, the boss pulled the girl onto his lap and began "feeling her up," putting his hands under her uniform. The girl told her boss to stop, which he did. Later the boss drove her home. The following day the girl decided to break her silence, and informed the main manager of Kidd Valley of the incident. When police contacted the junior burger boss, he denied having done any such thing to the girl. The case is under review.

'Who stole my Vicodin?'

Blue Ridge
Fri Feb 19, 5:00 pm: A Blue Ridge man, who shares a rented house with his fiancée and two children, discovered his prescription medicine missing from the pill bottle. On Sunday he had nine tablets of Vicodin--a narcotic painkiller--and today he found only one left. The discrepancy was so flagrant that police were called in to investigate. The victim offered police an important lead: it seems that his fiancée was once a prescription drug abuser. As there were no signs of forced entry resulting from the theft of the pills, the man is confident that his fiancée is up to her old tricks again.

Just for the hell of it

Fri Feb 19, 5:00 pm: A Wallingford man reported that an unknown person entered his backyard, removed several bird feeders from a tree, and placed them on his back steps. The man said he could detect no attempt to enter his residence, and nothing was removed from his garden. The man is concerned about this incident because it indicates that someone took the time to intentionally enter his yard and move things around just for the hell of it, just for the sake of harassing a happy homeowner and his hummingbirds.

Satanic rituals threaten our freedom!

West Seattle
Sat Feb 20, 1:00 am: On 37th Ave SW in West Seattle, a Bellevue resident by the name of Gaines heard a loud explosion and called 911. When the police and the Seattle Fire Department arrived at the scene, they found a '94 Plymouth burning in the night. The pungent smell of an accelerant spread through the air as firemen aimed their gushing hoses at the vivid flames. This was the third car to be executed in a week! What Police Beat and the rest of America wants to know is, is this the work of some satanic group? Are our cars--the epitomy of the freedom guaranteed us by some amendment--safe from their dark rituals? Police have no suspect at this time; rest assured Police Beat will keep you informed of any new developments.

Sexual Assault in the Mosh Pit

Wed March 3, 9:40 pm: Speaking of satanic, a 17-year-old Puyallup girl was sexually assaulted during the Marilyn Manson concert at KeyArena. She was in the mosh pit with hundreds of other fans, when several strangers pushed her to the ground, removed her pants, and digitally assaulted her. The attack resulted in multiple bruises to her inner thighs and calves; and the girl was barely conscious when members of the pit crew passed her limp body overhead to a concert security guard who was monitoring the barricade between fans and the band. The guard then carried the girl to the medic room, where she was treated by the Seattle Fire Department. As she was semi-conscious during the ordeal, she couldn't describe her attackers to the police, and so far no witnesses have come forward with new information on this most unfortunate matter.

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