"You're a Cop, Aren't You?"/Ballard/Fri Sept 29/10:50 pm: We can thank our tax dollars for this ridiculous incident: "[At] around 2250 hours, I [Officer Umporowicz] conducted a covert inspection of the Sands nightclub at 7509 15th Ave N. When I entered the club, I noted two dancers walk up to the manager, an Asian female, and say something to her after looking at me. I took a seat, and bought the mandatory two drinks. I was approached by an Asian female wearing a white outfit. She sat down next to me, introduced herself, and asked me if I wanted to buy her a drink for $9, which I did [with the taxpayer's money]. She asked me where I was from, where I worked, and how I knew about the Sands. When I told her, she wanted to see my ID and business cards. She then asked me if I wanted to go back behind the glass partition, where I could get a "really good" dance. She said it would cost $40. She walked me back there, and had me take a seat. At a nearby table, I observed an Asian female dancing on the lap of a white male. My dancer [left for a moment] and brought a friend over who said she was from where I said I was from. The dancer started asking [lots of] questions, [so] I [decided] to leave the premises. As I was leaving, my dancer yelled over to me, 'You're a cop aren't you?' [Later], I identified the [bitch] in the SLIM computer files at the Vice Office."

The Criminal from a More Advanced Civilization/Downtown/Tues Oct 3/10:30 pm: Officer Chris Garrett was on a routine mountain bike patrol with his partner Officer R. Smith, at the corner of Second and Pike, when he was zapped by a powerful laser beam. As he recovered his sight and senses, Officer Smith and other police officers attempted to locate the alien who fired the sophisticated weapon--they came up with nothing. The alien criminal had vanished! Officer Garrett was later checked and released by SPD Fire Engine #2.

Commander Madman/Downtown/Wed Oct 4/12:30 pm: A Coast Guard officer who works in the Federal Building was talking with her immediate supervisor. Suddenly, a commander came out of his office, approached both women, and, for no apparent reason, began ranting and raving at them. He pointed his finger threateningly. One of the officers asked the commander to step back, but the commander refused to listen, and kept yelling and approaching her. She then grabbed a hammer from her desk [what was a hammer doing at her desk?] to protect herself. Other Coast Guard officers walked into the office and tried to "de-escalate the situation," while still others rushed upstairs to report the incident to the chief of staff. When things had quieted down and the terrible commander returned, bear-like, to his office, the chief of staff promised the shaken victims that the matter would be "investigated internally."

Military Moms, Dads, Kids, and Neighbors/ Neighborhood Unknown/Wed Oct 4/4:20 pm: A military mom and dad called the cops to report that another military mom was harassing their 12-year-old daughter. The military mom and dad claimed that the enemy military mom had three children, all of whom played and went to school with their darling daughter. The military mom and dad disliked this particular military mom so much that they wanted to place a restraining order against her. In dismay they told the police, "She curses at our daughter!" The cops interviewed the military mom in question at her military home and she said "[I] don't want that [little bitch] playing with my children anymore!" She also prohibits her kids from going to the daughter's house to play. The police recommended that military housing contact "both parties to see if they can mediate a resolution."

Day In • Day Out returns this summer, August 12th thru 14th!
Featuring The National, Mitski, Mac DeMarco and more! Full lineup and tickets at dayindayoutfest.com