The Penetrating Art Criticism of Officer J. Barnes/West Seattle/Thurs Nov 30/8:02 am: This morning, Officer Barnes was dispatched to Chief Sealth High School to look at some recent graffiti art. Four pieces were on display in the school's gym, and after careful inspection of each work, Barnes had this to say about the main installment: "The graffiti is a short story involving a guy named Kayo and a girl named Andrea, and how they fell in love. The Andrea in the story is believed by [another art critic, the principal of the school] to represent a woman named Watson who has a boyfriend that's no longer at Sealth, but is known for his [romantic] graffiti." Officer Barnes was also fascinated by the word "rap," which was written on the T-shirt worn by the teen lover Kayo. Though Officer Barnes failed to explain why he was drawn to this particular word instead of the words "this stud muffin Kayo," one must never doubt Officer Barnes' tastes in such matters. If he thinks it is important, then it is important.
Smarty-Pants Learns the Greatest Truth
of All/Ballard/Thurs Dec 7/5:28 pm: Today, a 16-year-old student who attends Ballard High School outwitted a female student in class [the report fails to say which class: history, sex education, biology?]. This act of sheer arrogance upset the female so much that immediately after class she informed her boyfriend about it. Later on, the brainy student was approached by the girl's boyfriend and his buff brother. The brainy student meekly and wisely walked away from them, but the brothers followed him through the halls, taunting him at every turn. When the brainy student stepped outside of the school building, the brothers attacked. They punched him in the face, back, and stomach. One blow was so powerful that it split the brainy student's lip. Blood was everywhere. Pain was everywhere. Many blows later, members of the school's swim team happened upon the assault, but they didn't intervene. With their towels and goggles in hand, they watched the brainy kid learn the greatest truth in the universe: Never fuck with lovers.
Mirrors and Lovers/Lake City Way/Sun Dec 10/3:21 pm: A blind man was taking a nap when his lover hit him over the head with a full-length mirror. Like all lovers, the two had been arguing about money matters. As there seemed to be no resolution in sight, the woman hit him with the mirror while he was taking a much-needed break from the impossible argument.
When Officer N. Etoh arrived, the woman was mopping the floor and yelling at her man, who was sitting on the bed, putting on his socks. Officer Etoh asked her what had happened. The woman said, "Talk to him. Whatever he says is the truth." The officer then asked the man what had happened, and he explained that the woman had been abusing him for 11 years, and he's afraid of her. He wants a divorce, but cannot do it because of his blindness. "I rely on her for everyday chores," he confessed bitterly. After listening to the blind man's tale of woe, Officer Etoh arrested the woman and locked her up in the house of pain, King County Jail.
Alaska and California Connect in Seattle/ Downtown/Sun Dec 10/5:20 pm: At exactly this time, a man from Colton, California was receiving a blowjob from a man from Fairbanks, Alaska in a downtown sex shop. The California man wore black slacks; the Alaskan man had brown hair and blue eyes. Both would have achieved the greatest satisfaction the universe has to offer had not Officer Umporowicz barged in and arrested them for violating ordinance SMC.42.130(A). The suspects where then identified and released.
