The Admonishment/Aurora/Wed Dec 27/3:13 pm: Today, a man living in a motel phoned 911 to report that his property was stolen. When Officer Cablayan arrived to deal with the matter, the victim informed him that the theft actually took place in another city. Exasperated by the stupidity of the victim, Officer Cablayan explained that the Seattle Police Department does not deal with crimes that happen in other cities, and left the motel room. While in his squad car, just for the hell of it, Officer Cablayan checked the victim's name on the global cop computer. In one instant, the victim became a suspect. The records showed that he was "trespassed from all Aurora motels." This admonishment did not expire until November 12, 2001. Officer Cablayan explains: "The suspect was residing in the Thunderbird Motel, which participates in the North Aurora Motel Trespass Program. And this universal criminal trespass order card was issued by Officer Huber on November 11, 2000." The cop "recontacted" the suspect and took him into custody. After hearing his Miranda warning, the man complained that he had paid for a whole week at the Thunderbird Motel. Officer Cablayan was indifferent to these concerns and issued him yet another criminal trespass order (now effective until December 27, 2001) and booked him into King County Jail.

I'm Gonna Blow Up This Hotel!/Downtown/ Thurs Dec 28/11:33 pm: Today, a man threatened to blow up the Commodore Hotel on Second Ave. The report does not explain why the man wanted to blow up the hotel, but when the cops contacted the would-be bomb terrorist in his room, he told them, "Jesus is going to kill all of you, and [while He is busy doing that], I'm going to blow up the hotel." These comments were deemed "nonsensical" by Officer T. Mansour, who took the suspect into custody and transported him to Harborview Medical Center.

Perfect 10 Pussy/Downtown/Thurs Jan 4/ 5 pm: This is a terrible report. It is sordid in every way, but I must do my duty and relay it to you. The story begins on the main floor of the Westlake Mall. There among the busy crowd of post-holiday shoppers stands a man, who claims to be a scout model for Exstrodinhair, and a 17-year-old girl, who is now dazzled by dreams of fame and fortune. This is their first meeting. (Yes, you know this story. You've heard it a million times before and are well aware of how it is going to end. But we must go on and complete the mechanical motions of this old and terrible narrative.) The next scene takes place in a downtown hotel room. We see a neatly made double bed, a window from which the glass towers of the city are visible, and in the middle of the room is a small digital camera standing on a tripod. The man is wearing a long black coat; the girl is wearing only a bra and swimming bottoms. Though she notes that his cameras are "cheap looking," she allows him to take photos. The "talent scout" stops shooting and asks the teen to take off her bra. She reluctantly complies. Now she is only in her swimming bottoms. (Should we stop here? No! We can't help it; we must bear the weight of this cumbersome narrative and carry it to its predictable conclusion.) The talent scout takes a rush of photos and then, after rubbing oil on the teen's breasts, asks her to kiss him. He then "[sticks] his tongue in her mouth." He also sticks "his tongue in her ear." The "talent scout" then slyly pulls down her swimming bottoms and says, "You have a perfect 10 pussy." At this point the teen regains her senses and pushes the beast away. He laughs and tells her, "Female models use sex to get what they want." After this all too predictable assessment of the modeling industry, the teen quickly dresses and leaves. And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes Police Beat for this week.

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