Guerrilla Tactics/Sand Point/Wed Jan 5/ Between 9 pm and 9 am: Today, the manager of Sand Point Country Club reported that an unknown person took one of its golf carts, which was recently custom-fitted with a portable bar, and ran it over a cliff at the end of the clubhouse parking lot. The manager of this venerable establishment is highly perplexed by this barbaric act, and hopes, as all citizens who respect the rule of law, that the perpetrator is brought to the light of justice and pays for the dastardly crime.
The Very End of E-Commerce/Thurs Jan 6/ 4:02 pm: Today, Officer R. Howard was dispatched to a residence on Boylston Ave to investigate the latest hi-tech crime: threats by e-mail. The Capitol Hill man explained that back in November, 2000 he sold a camera and accessories to a stranger via eBay. But when the buyer received the camera, he was not pleased with it and expressed his dissatisfaction by sending the seller two fiery e-mail letters that contained viruses. The seller's computer was able to delete the viruses before they entered and destroyed his hard drive. The content of the letters, however, were not so easy to erase. In both letters, the buyer claimed that he was coming all the way to Seattle (the report doesn't say which state the buyer is from) to pay the seller a visit and "make sure that he [doesn't] cheat anyone else [on eBay]." The seller gave the police the buyer's e-mail address and it was submitted into virtual evidence.
He Said It Again and Again/Capitol Hill/Thurs Jan 11/1:45 am: This report is very unpleasant, and under normal circumstances I would have excluded it from Police Beat. But the prose style of the investigating cop, Officer K. Belshay, is so fascinating, so irregular, that I had to share it with you. So, please, do two things at once when you read this terrible report: (1) Have sympathy for the victim; (2) marvel at Belshay's hypnotic (indeed oppressive) prose style.
"On the listed date and time I responded to Belmont Ave," Officer K. Belshay writes, "and contacted C/V [complainant/victim]. C/V said he had gone to Neighbours Disco. He said that he had gone into the bathroom. He said that he was contacted by four unknown suspects. He said they were grabbing and groping him. He said he told them not to touch him. He said he told them that he already had a boyfriend. He said he walked through the club looking for his boyfriend. C/V said that he could not find his boyfriend. He said that at approximately 0130 hrs, he decided to leave the club. He said he walked out the back door to the alley. C/V said that the seven suspects followed him into the alley and beat him up. C/V said he dropped to the ground and covered his face. He said suspects were yelling things like, 'Faggot, you are gay and you look like you have AIDS.' C/V said he does not believe that this attack was 'malicious harassment' or 'gay bashing.' He said that the suspects are also gay and that it might have been a jealousy issue. C/V said he has partied with S-1 [Suspect-1] before. He said he has been to S-1's apartment before, but cannot remember where it is. C/V said he cannot describe any of the suspects, but he would recognize them if he saw them again. He said he is sure that the suspects will go back to Neighbours Disco again."
Mother and Son Making Millions/Downtown/ Thurs Jan 11/12:45 pm: A woman was standing on the corner of Third and Union when someone pushed her from behind. The woman fell hard to the ground, and when she got back on her feet found that her wallet was missing from her purse. At that moment, she turned and observed a large woman and a small boy fleeing with her property. The woman was unable to catch the crooks, and later, when reporting the crime to Officer Shwolds, complained of back pain.