Death by Sword/Columbia City/Wed Jan 24/ 2:08 am: Tonight, a Columbia City teen was struck down by a sword. The blow, which was dealt while he was walking out of a popular discotheque, caused him to fall hard to the ground and lose consciousness. When he reemerged to the world of things, he found two paramedics busily treating his injuries. The police were also there and asked him why he was so pitilessly struck down. The young man said he had no idea who assaulted him and why. He had, until that point, no enemies. Later, Officer D. Dunn asked the paramedics about the young man's wound, and the paramedics explained that the laceration on the back of the victim's head was six inches long, running vertical along the back of the head, and that the laceration cut all the way to the base of the skull. The police found the sword in the discotheque parking lot (it was one foot long), and before submitting it into evidence, had it dusted for fingerprints.

Death by Pellet Gun/Magnolia/Thurs Jan 25/ 12:30 pm: This afternoon, a Magnolia man explained to Officer G. A. Bernal that on Christmas Day, one of the Magnolia man's dogs, an English setter named Belle, started to show symptoms of respiratory discomfort. The setter's condition worsened as the days progressed. Finally he took it to the vet, and X-rays and a sonogram revealed what appeared to be a pellet lodged near the dog's heart. Apparently an enemy of the dog had shot it with a pellet gun! The man instantly suspected his neighbor, but, as Officer G. A. Bernal put it rather cumbersomely, "He was reticent to suspect the neighbors without proof." The prolix reporting officer then provided the prudent complainant with a case number and then ambulated to his horseless carriage, which he employed to proceed in a northeasterly direction.

Death by Axe/South Park/Thurs Jan 25/4:47 pm: All I can make of this badly written report is that a man who has scratches on his belly and goes by the name of Ivan tried to kill two mechanics with an axe. (I'm not exactly sure if they were mechanics or just two brothers fixing a blue pickup.) The report opens with these haunting words: "They heard screaming from the north of their location," and ends with these enigmatic words, "You guys know [name redacted]. He's the guy that owns the restaurants on the corner. He brings in about four 'keys' a month. But that's nothing a 120-grain bullet won't take care of." We may never know what all of this means.

Death by Knife/Capitol Hill/Fri Jan 26/3 pm: A man was driving on the outside lane on 15th Ave when he suddenly came across a "white box-style truck turning the same way on the inside lane." The box-style truck, which was too large to make the turn within its lane, suddenly forced the man off the road and onto the sidewalk to avoid a collision. Angered, the man stopped, wrote down the truck's license plate, and then drove off.

The truck began to follow the little car. The followed man stopped on the corner of 19th Ave and E Republican St and stepped out of his little car. The truck driver also stopped, and stepped down from his huge vehicle. The fearless man walked toward the trucker and told him the last thing anyone should ever tell a trucker: "You need to learn how to drive a truck." The trucker, who was Mediterranean-looking, drew out a flashy knife and said, "I'm going to cut you. I'm going to kill you." Realizing the situation had left the realm of the sane, the man jumped back into his small car and locked all the doors. The trucker pounced on the little car and banged on its window, but the victim managed to start the engine and drive off. Satisfied, the Mediterranean trucker returned to his truck and drove off in an unknown direction. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of this week's deadly police beat.