Careless Cops Compromised by Mall Woman/Downtown/Fri Feb 23/4 pm: Today, Detective Ledbelly, I mean Ledbetter, received a telephone call from an investigator for the Washington State Department of Corrections in Shelton. The investigator explained that during a routine interception of a letter from a Tukwila woman to an inmate serving hard time for second-degree murder, the investigator found a photograph with an unknown woman posing between two police officers who are based at Seattle's West Precinct. Though the report does not state if the mysterious woman is aesthetically pleasing or not, it does point out that both officers were in full Seattle Police Department uniforms. Sadly, no letter accompanied the photo, which appeared to have been taken at the Westlake Mall, based upon "store front and distinctive paving stones." The whole matter makes little sense, and the corrections officer has no idea in what ways these fine officers have been compromised by the possibly beautiful and sexy lady. Detective Ledbelly will certainly get to the bottom of this curious photo.

The Most Beautiful Robber in the World/ Central District/Sat Feb 24/3:13 pm: The items stolen in this rather messy robbery at the Promenade Red Apple will soon produce a beautiful criminal. "Africa's Bust [sic] hair product" and "Ambi Cream" will add a gleam to the rolling sea of curls called forth by the impeccable "Curl Kit." The "Calgon soap" will open the pores of the suspect's skin and make his flesh breathe and glow like a Sunday miracle. And the "Secret" deodorant will turn his hairy armpits into flowers. When he finally leaves home, the beautiful criminal will float above the filth like some African prince. And we, the ugly ones on Earth, will stand amazed at the very sight of him--amazed forever by his stolen beauty.

Think About a Thick Can of Soup/Capitol Hill/Tues Feb 27/4:26 pm: We enter this report near the end: "We took the suspect into custody and I advised him of his Miranda rights per the SPD mir card. He stated that he understood. He stated, 'The only time I toughed her was to try and throw her out of the apartment!' He also stated, 'I'm as tough as John Wayne.' Several minutes later, the [tough as John Wayne] suspect stated he had to urinate. I told him that he would have to wait, that we would be to the jail in about 10 minutes. He asked me if I would like to hold 'it' while he urinated. He told me that 'it' was nice. He then stated, 'I'm hung like a can of soup!' I asked him what he meant by that and he stated, 'Think about it. I'm as thick as a can of soup. Just think about it.' When I replied that I would not like to hold his penis, he stated, 'You're a carpet-muncher, aren't you?'" Smart Officer T. A. Wood did not offer Mr. Can-of-Soup Thick an answer.

The Pain of the English Language/Queen Anne/Wed Feb 28/5:51 pm: The problem began when the victim attempted to explain to the suspect the difference between "yesterday" and "tonight." The suspect was Balinese, her victim American. The American demonstrated the differences between the words, but the immigrant failed to understand and became hostile, telling her instructor to "quit talking." But the instructor didn't quit--he wanted her to learn the difference between yesterday and tonight. The suspect then began cursing in Balinese. The instructor deflected the insults and continued to explain, to show, to illustrate the proper meaning of the words. Finally, the suspect stood up and hit her instructor with a balled fist. The hurt instructor called the police and asked for their assistance. After investigating the incident, the cops decided that a temporary separation between the committed instructor and the frustrated student was the answer. When things had cooled down, when the immigrant was ready to learn the difference between yesterday and tonight, then the lessons could resume.

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