Once again, Vancouver, BC's celebrated hermeneutist, Bess Gabriel Lovejoy (who is in Seattle researching, with the usual author of this column, the history of policing cities), interprets three crimes that disturbed our city's peace last week.

The Coded Crime/Fremont/Sun June 24/5 am: Officer Erick Schickler writes: "I contacted the victim who was standing up and leaning against the fence with his hands in his pockets. I asked if he was okay, but the victim kept his eyes closed and his head tilted back against the fence. I called for a backup unit to respond. A minute later, victim started to walk away but had a hard time staying on his feet. Victim stumbled around and still would not take his hands out of his pockets or open his eyes. As I attempted to stop the victim from leaving, he became combative.

"At about that time Officer Chin arrived and we both attempted to subdue the victim. The victim then tried to break through a wood railing and off a seven-foot drop to a driveway that was neighboring the yard we were in. We ended up at 3809 Fremont Ave where the victim tried to negotiate a flight of stairs that led down to the street. Victim fell and stumbled down half of the stairs and came to rest in the bushes that lined the stairs.

"Victim then got up and ran down the rest of the stairs onto the street and continued onto N 38th St where he fell face first onto the pavement, injuring his nose. Victim was also tased, but this had no effect on him. Victim continued to struggle violently and it took six more people to strap him onto a gurney from AMR. We had to use four restraints and a spit mask on him."

Bess' response: Despite several attempts, I was entirely unable to comprehend Officer Schickler's report in any way. Perhaps Officer Schickler is actually writing in code. But about what, and to whom?

Soul Flowers/Central District/Sun June 24/4 pm: This afternoon, a well-dressed black male in his late 20s and "lots of gold jewelry" stole flowers from a yard on 23rd Ave. "The suspect stole about 17 plants and flowers from the south and north sides of the yard," writes the reporting officer. "The shrubbery was a combination of red maples, azaleas, and lobelia.... The suspect pulled the plants out of the ground, leaving visible holes in the wood-bark-covered soil." The flower thief was last seen walking eastbound on E Spruce St.

Bess' response: The visible holes in the soil of this report obviously stand for the holes in our modern psyche. It is perfectly rational that we should steal nature, make one last desperate grab at the astounding beauty that birthed us before we destroy it. However, all here is not earnest environmentalism. The flower report does not escape the gaping maw of irony: After all, the suspect chose to steal shrubbery. But we must not doubt our suspect's intelligence. Perhaps he was deeply conscious of this irony, his act a furious cry against the pedestrianization of wildness.

Love and Bullets/Rainier Valley/Tues June 26/8:50 am: This item was found by a concerned citizen and turned over to Officer Zlock: A sealed and clear sandwich baggie with the name "Rosita" written and crossed out in red marker on the outside, and four live rounds of ammunition inside. Each bullet has the name "Sean" written in red marker.

Bess' response: The story fairly oozes from this report. It was a hot July night when she ran away. Rosita, voluptuous, dark-haired, smelling of roses. The would-be killer wants her, would like to be with her forever. Where is she? The would-be killer bets Sean knows. Pale, sallow Sean, standing in his place, loving the woman he loves, maybe escaping with her across the border to Tijuana. But our would-be killer has lost it all, now. His secret has escaped from the bullets that were to be Sean's doom.