Our Lady of the Precious Metals/Madison Park/Thurs July 12/4:16 pm: A worldly woman was burgled this afternoon by cunning thieves who entered her bedroom while she was away. The thieves, who wore gloves, removed numerous sparkling jewels from the boxes in her locked drawers. They stole one pair of gold rings, one chain with a heart shape made of pretty pearls, four gold bracelets, diamond earrings, several pearl earrings, and a wristwatch with her noble initials engraved on it. They also took a lapis stone, an aquamarine stone, a sapphire stone, and an amethyst ring.
The lady of the manor believes that the lazy laborers who landscape her enclosed garden committed the crime. She even called the people at the landscaping company, which is run by foreigners (an Asian and his plebeians), and let them know that they were suspects and would be addressed as such from here on. She also expressed to Officer Washington her general displeasure in the quality of their gardening work.
The Evil Thunderbird/Rainier Valley/Thurs July 12/5:19 pm: "You look tired. You want a ride up the hill?" a man driving a Thunderbird said to a 15-year-old girl. The girl said no, and continued walking up the hill. The man stopped the car and approached the girl with "arms outstretched in a manner consistent with wanting to grab something," as Officer Whitlatch scientifically put it. But the young girl was too swift for the middle-aged devil, who huffed and puffed and returned to his Thunderbird. Later, the girl gave this description of the Thunderbird: "The white car's paint was peeling; the interior was black; it had really nice gold rims, and small, round, red taillights on a fin-like area on the rear panels." She then gave this description of the suspect: "He wore a black, short-sleeve T-shirt that had a collar and small buckles that extended down from the neckline. He wore black jeans and black cowboy boots, and had shoulder-length Jheri curls and a full beard with the chin hair shaved." The girl believed she could identify the suspect if she saw him or his car again.
Hell's Alley/University District/Fri July 13/3:30 am: At approximately 3:30 am, a man heard this from an alley below his apartment window: "Why did you bring us back here? Why did you do that to that girl?" The man looked out of his dark window and spotted in the shadows three or four white males, one of whom wore a Tommy Hilfiger shirt, a backward baseball cap, and heavy gold chains. Something sick was brewing down there in the alley, but the man could not determine its nature or form. There was sporadic yelling and shouting about money, a desired (and possibly dead) girl, and getting more drugs. Suddenly one of the suspects panicked and said, "I'm from fucking Duvall. I'm not from this city!" But this piece of information didn't help clear up matters at all, so the confused citizen called the cops, who swiftly performed an unsuccessful area check for the specters from the underworld.
