Holy Rocks/Sand Point/Tues July 24/10:26 am: This morning, Officer C. E. R. Onyon was dispatched to Lake Washington Baptist Church to investigate a theft. Once at the church, he met Ms. Vance, who informed Officer Onyon that 10 decorative rocks making up a stone wall near the entrance of the church had been stolen. Indifferent Officer C. E. R. Onyon offered Ms. Vance no theory or in-depth report to complement this unholy crime.

Seattle's Obsession/Rainier Valley/Mon July 30/10:30 pm: "When I arrived," reports Officer T. Mansour, "I spoke with the victim who stated that someone pried the handle off the sliding glass door on the rear of her house, entered, and took four 12-ounce cans of Icy Point Pike Salmon. When I looked at the handle of the sliding door, I noted scrape marks and what appeared to be a missing screw. I spoke with the victim's daughter, who lives next door, and she stated she did not steal any salmon. I gave the victim a business card and a victim follow-up form."

Our Book Critic/Greenwood/Tues July 31/1:37 pm: This afternoon, Officer Dain Jones was dispatched to a furniture store to make sense of the contents of a mysterious duffel bag. Here's the report of his findings: "Based on the contents of the bag, and the writings contained therein, the subject is clearly a transient with severe mental disorders. The primary object of suspicion is a book titled How to Be Happy Though Married. In the margins of the book, the subject has written extensively about a paranoid delusion he has regarding a black woman (apparently his estranged wife?). The delusion contains graphic sexual descriptions of attacks upon [deleted name], and his belief that his bad wife has angered God by leaving him. Eventually, apparently out of margin space, the subject glued in a wad of blank pages and filled them with the continuing diatribe. The journal eventually becomes a discussion between the subject and what appears to be a second personality interviewing himself. Interspersed in this religious-sexual delusion are the typical references to the Department of Defense and their Black-Ops and their death dust.

"Another book in the bag is titled It's Your Body: A Woman's Guide to Gynecology. This is a graphically detailed paperback book, with a bookmark placed on the section dealing with genital herpes. Based upon my concerns that this subject [who is a reverend from Zimbabwe] could be involved with a past or planned sex crime, I sorted out the suspicious material and placed it into evidence."

As the new book editor for The Stranger, I want to offer Dain Jones the position of book critic. He possesses the two qualities I'm looking for in a critic: One, he has the guts to make bold claims ("the subject is clearly a transient"); and two, he is jaded ("the typical references to the Department of Defense"). Please Officer Jones, give me a call at 323-7101 ext. 3031 and let's talk business.

Transporting BBQ/Capitol Hill/Wed Aug 1/4:57 am: Officer Strangeland writes: "[At the break of dawn], I stopped the vehicle on 18th Street and asked the driver whose BBQ grill was in the back [of her pickup]. She shrugged and said it was hers. I asked what the brand name on the BBQ was and she said she didn't know, even though the brand name was in large letters on the front of the BBQ. I suspect the grill may be unreported stolen property. It is a SUNBEAM 430, green over gray, with a silver Blue Rhino propane tank. I advised suspect that a suspicious-circumstance report would be written, and [then] released her from the scene."

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