Lipsticking Words/West Seattle/Sun Aug 5/11 pm: Tonight, a woman found these words of seduction scribbled with red lipstick on the back window of her parked car: "Woman Seeking Woman. Non-smoker. 60-75 years old. Likes sex." She was on Webster Street, and had just returned from visiting a friend who lived nearby. The composer of the "personal," however, was either phony or daft, because the person did not leave a contact number.

The Bad Luck of the Irish/Aurora/Fri Aug 10/11:50 pm: "Are you guys trying to roll me? If you are, I can shoot you. I can shoot you dead. I'm Irish--don't mess with me!" a young man suddenly said to two young women who were walking across the pedestrian footbridge that spans Aurora Ave. The suspect was last seen in front of Tan Duc Vietnamese restaurant.

Misery Meows/Georgetown/Sat Aug 11/7:55 pm: "Shut up that cat or I'll shoot it," said the suspect in slacks to an elderly woman occupying the bus seat in front of him with a caged, meowing cat next to her. The bus driver overheard the threat and told the suspect that his behavior was unacceptable, and he must leave the bus now. "Horseshit," said the suspect, "I'll shoot up the bus." The suspect exited the bus on Fourth Ave S and S Michigan, turned, withdrew a red knife from his pants pockets, opened the blade, and waved it menacingly at the driver and his passengers. The suspect was later captured by Officer D. Carlson and transported to King County Jail.

The Poisoned Pork Chops/West Seattle/Mon Aug 13/10:03 pm: "She is a damn crackhead," moaned the victim to Officer Poblocki. The trouble began six months ago, when the victim took a lunch that his girlfriend (the crackhead) packed to work. "I ate the two pork chops," he explained with a pained expression, "and became violently ill almost immediately." Since then he has seen several doctors (alas, no witch doctor), but none can determine (1) if he was poisoned, and (2) if he was indeed poisoned, what kind of poison his girlfriend coated his pork chops with. The man currently suffers from diarrhea, ulcers, and a discolored tongue. The reason why he filed this report today, many months after he was poisoned, is that he's "very, very ill." He doesn't know if he will see tomorrow, and wants the world to know the truth about his girlfriend, the Wicked Witch of West Seattle. Officer Poblocki did a system check on the poisoned man's girlfriend and found she had an outstanding felony warrant.

Fake Hair Day/Central District/Tues Aug 14/7:21 am: "I won't leave until you've found all my hair," said the woman to the cop. Officer D. Terry found one piece of her fake hair on the floor of the apartment and pointed it out to her. "I want all of my hair! That is not all of it!" she screamed at the cop. Officer D. Terry "found multiple pieces of fake hair hanging out of her purse and showed it to her." But still the woman would not leave without all of her fake hair. Officer D. Terry then firmly informed the woman that she was violating someone's private space (an apartment), which she had entered illegally (through an open window), and if she didn't want to incur the full force of the law, she had to leave now with or without all of her fake hair. The woman still refused to leave. Officer D. Terry handcuffed the defiant woman and placed her in the back of Officer Jorgensen's patrol car.

The Emergency Plant/First Hill/Tues Aug 14/6:28 pm: "Yes, I admit to trying to take the plant, but I didn't have a knife. I didn't do nothing. I just picked up the plant and put the plant down. That's all," said a suspect to Officer Petersen, after he was arrested for attempting to steal a large potted plant from Providence Hospital's emergency room.

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