'Take the money out of his ass'

Sat April 10, 11:30 pm: Having come to the end of a long shift, a man who works in housekeeping for a local hotel went to the employees' locker room to change into regular clothes. As he prepared to leave, two men entered the locker room (one had a crew cut, the other had acne on his face), grabbed him, and informed him that he was not going anywhere. The thug with the crew cut then pulled out a cell phone, dialed a number, and told the man on the other end of the line that he was holding his roommate as ransom for the money he owed. He added, menacingly, that if he didn't get the money real quick-like, he was going to hurt the roommate and maybe even "take the money out of his ass." The thug then put the hotel employee on the phone so the indebted man would know that he meant business. After the thug hung up, the indebted man called the police and informed them that his friend was being held hostage in the basement of the hotel. But the hotel employee didn't wait for his irresponsible roommate to save him--he escaped on his own from the inept thugs, fleeing into the hotel's kitchen, where he called police himself. The ruffians were gone by the time police arrived, but Officer Bisson left the employee with a business card in case he's ever held hostage again.

The Love-Struck Construction Worker

Fri April 16, 2:00 pm: A man walked into an office on Fourth Ave and asked who owned the Durango parked outside. "I just hit it," he explained. A woman stepped forward to claim ownership of the vehicle, but when she tried to get more information about the accident, the man cut her off. "I knew it was your car and was just kidding about hitting it," he said. "I saw you in the alley the other day and liked the way you dressed. I wanted to see what you looked like today." The woman informed the man that she was married and not interested in him. He smiled and left. Four days later, the pesky man returned to her office and asked, "So, are you ready for an affair yet?" The woman replied, "No! I told you I was not interested." The man smiled again and left the building. This time the woman called the cops. When they arrived, she told them that she was certain the man worked across the street, at a busy construction sight. She and the cops walked over to the site to look for the man. Unfortunately, the construction-site manager said that the description the woman gave could fit any number of the 80 to 90 men who work on the site every day. The woman agreed to keep an eye on the site and call police the minute she spots the impertinent suitor.

Hard-Assed Pup

Tues April 20, 4:00 pm: A man strolling down Broadway stopped dead in his tracks when he saw a gorgeous golden retriever tied to a light pole. He was so taken with the dog's beauty that he lowered his hand for a friendly sniff. The dog, not as enamored of the man, bit his hand hard enough to cause bleeding and pain. The injured dog lover flagged down a passing patrol car (with his unbitten hand), and led Officer Kyle Kizzier to the offending pet. The officer saw a tag on the dog's collar, but could not get close enough to examine it--every time he leaned in for a peek, the dog would growl and snarl like a wild animal. The owner was nowhere in sight, so Officer Kizzier called Animal Control to take the dog away. The fate of the animal is not stated in the report.

Ferret Troubles
Lake City

Fri April 23, 3:20 pm: A woman walked into a Lake City pet store and inquired about the price of a ferret. For some reason, the store owner became offended at the question, and screamed at the top of her lungs that the potential customer should leave the store immediately. As the shopper was walking out the door, the owner came out from behind the counter and gave her a kick. The shopper's daughter was sitting in her car when she saw her mother getting slammed against the pet-shop door. The police were called to the scene. When they interviewed the store owner, she explained that the potential customer was very rude: she talked as if she were a royal queen, and literally demanded to buy a ferret. Incensed by her arrogance, the owner ordered the woman out of the store. Police gave a case number to both parties and left the scene.

Catholic Cookery
Mountlake Terrace

Fri April 23, 4:53 pm: When the administrators at a local Catholic school learned that one of their boys had in his possession a manual describing how to manufacture explosives and bombs, they freaked, and immediately called the police. When the police interviewed the boy, he told them that he had heard about the "Anarchist Cookbook" from others and was curious about its contents, so he downloaded the manual from the web. The student insisted that he had no intention of experimenting with "the methods in the book." The boy did, however, admit to using dry ice and water to blow up a bottle. School officials expressed great concern about the boy, as they had noticed his behavior recently taking a turn for the worst. They suspect he has "emotional disorders," like "depression," and in the following months they will keep an eye on him, making note of any irregularities, sudden shifts of mood, or anti-social conduct.