from the The Big Penis Book, TASCHEN 2008

A new self-help book just hit the stands, with a most impressive title, How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much. It's a book for all the long-suffering men afflicted with OMG (Oversized Male Genitalia)—a genetic birth defect thought to affect over one million males nationwide—and those are only the reported cases. How to Live with a Huge Penis offers tons of insightful tips such as "during sex, let your partner set the pace," "don't unzip in anger!" and "avoid holidays." It provides advice for men who encounter hurtful huge-penis slurs like "Hoco" (a derogatory term and abbreviation of "horse cock") and "Louie" (derived from "Louisville Slugger," the world-famous manufacturer of baseball bats). There's even a daily affirmation journal in the back, complete with key phrases to get you writing, such as "Other huge things that God made are..." "My penis reminds me of the following celebrities..." and "I shouldn't fellate myself today because...."

The book retails for $12.95. I daresay it's the perfect gift for just about any guy, uh, whether or not he actually needs it.

In addition, I think men who suffer from OMG might also find some comfort in My Top Five Favorite Huge-Penis DVDs. I mean, sometimes half the battle is knowing that, hey, man, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

5. Son of Blackzilla: A self-professed "only 18 and every MILF's dream" named Skeeter "drops the bomb on your mom." Hey, feel better OMG—at least your name's not Skeeter.

4. Porn Stars Like It Big, Vols. 1–4: If anyone knows how to handle OMG, it's a professional. Watch and learn, my friend.

3. Wadd: The Life and Times of John C. Holmes: This nonpornographic documentary is worth watching for no other reason than to remind yourself that, even considering the most stressful times you have suffered (or ever will suffer) due to OMG, you probably won't ever become (a) a heavy drug user, (b) witness to a murder, and/or (c) a person who dies alone from HIV because your lunatic ex-porn-star girlfriend won't allow any of your friends to visit you in the hospital.

2. She's Hung Like a Horse!: Hey, that giant penis of yours might make things confusing and difficult at times, but what if you had a giant penis AND fake tits?!

and...

1. Beauty and the Beast: Whether or not Long Dong Silver was fake doesn't matter. Watching this all-out freak show will instantly make you feel better, much like an alcoholic does watching Barfly, Leaving Las Vegas, or my favorite, If I Should Fall from Grace: The Shane MacGowan Story. Remember: It might be bad, but it's not THAT bad.